Marketing

I have just been having a clear-out of paperwork and came across a letter from Toxic.

Here goes nothing then:

...our priorities focus on Quality & Customer Satisfaction, Growth, People and Efficiency.

Under these 4 key areas we will drive our business through:

our culture and our people
best practice
excellence and quality
continuous improvement and innovation
spedning time on what's important; challenging what's not
creating client enthusiasm
making productivity systemic
zero defects

bla de bla.. we want the best products, the best profits, the best reputation with customers and we want to be the best place to work.

Enclosed with the nice letter was a little plastic credit card with these things on to remind you. I have it in my pocket now, and take it out and gaze at it whenever I feel sad....

Welsh classy girl

Millionairesse, opera singer and recent TV star, Charlotte Church, has revealed she gave birth in front of a rugby match - but admits she wasn't paying full attention to the TV. The star also told how she went into labour with her first child, Ruby Megan, in the car park of DIY store B&Q.She told OK! magazine she was shopping with rugby player boyfriend Gavin Henson when the contractions hit."



[Gavin] accidentally locked me in the car and the alarm was going off, so people were coming out of B&Q hearing the alarm and looking at the car, and then seeing it's Charlotte Church in there."I was just trying to hide but couldn't - just sitting there having contractions! I wanted to go for a meal in the Toby Carvery but the contractions were every five minutes so we came back."



The singer and presenter returned to her Cardiff home where she and Henson put the Wales v Japan Rugby World Cup match on television.



But she confessed she "was on gas and air by that point so I wasn't really concentrating".Church, whose daughter was born weighing 6lb 12oz, added: "I'm really shocked by how I feel. It's just instant massive amounts of love towards her."





source (http://www.digitalspy.co.uk/showbiz/a76898/church-gave-birth-while-watching-rugby.html)

Films by Visio

The grievance response

Private & Confidential
18th May 2007

Dear Mike,

You submitted your grievances on the 20th April. As per my suggestion and your agreement, I have dealt with your grievances under the modified grievance procedure.

I have now had the opportunity to do a full and thorough investigation through a series of interviews and discussions with key people listed in your grievance submission and your response to my email dated on the 25th April – subject: Investigation start-up.

I will outline my findings below as well as any actions I have felt necessary to take.

1------------- Performance Reviews just not done -----------------------------------
The problem: Ts & Cs require performance reviews every year, and 6 months after any job code change, transfer to another account and at the completion of a major project. This was NOT done.
Ethical flaw: Lying (not doing what Ts&Cs said is meant to happen) and dereliction of responsibility
The evidence: I have only had formal reviews in 2003,4,5 and 2006. This means I had only 4 in 9 years. PMP 2002 scores blank – old boss (thus not done!)
No PMP after either job code changes.
No PMP on transfer from Bechtel to BAE or from BAE to old-boss, or from him to Fleet.
No PMP after completion of DCA project
Category: Various manager irresponsibility
References: Internal T&Cs

As part of my investigation I interviewed – HolidayStealer, Bayleaf & Flakey. I could not interview Bully or GoogleFool has they have left Toxic.

Your initial statement quoting your Toxic Ts & Cs does seem to be unfounded. I have attached a copy of the latest UK Employee handbook for your review. This is moot. This is entirely separate to T’s and C’s. We are ONLY talking about T’s and C’s not the content of the handbook or indeed future handbooks.

Under section 1.7 – Performance Management. This clearly outlines the expected process that Toxic needs to be followed which aligns to a three phased approach.

Whilst best practice might [might is an opinion] suggest a performance review after completion of a major project, change of account or six months after a job code change, at no point in your T&C’s does it state this.[Yes it does. My copy of the T’s & Cs, dated 1996, version 6.0, does so page 6, section 6. This is the copy I signed and thus the one I used to work to.]


During my interview with HolidayStealer, I discuss your grievance about the blank score received for your 2002 appraisal.

I am sure you will appreciate that having to relate back to an incident over 5 years may not be as accurate as one would like. HolidayStealer’s recollection of this incident indicates that he believes that you were registered as New to Job, which does exempts you for the PMP process for an expected 6 month period. HolidayStealer and I were unable to refer back to your records in the PMP tool as you are no longer within the system and I have not received feedback for the PMP administrators in the US at the time of writing this report. Excuse mode – I don’t care – it is just an example of process not being followed.

In summary, from the feedback I received from your Team Leaders or Managers who I was able to interview, it appears that the PMP process had been followed allowing for verbal feedback during the year and a written annual review at the end of the year. Oh no it wasn’t. Where is the proof for the years 2000 and 2001. Oh, there is none. So that's ok then.

THEIR VERDICT: Unfounded because our new 2006 handbook says we review performance throughtout the year. Oh and your T's & C's don't say what you're on about. And the US are too busy to answer about 2002's records.

2 ------------------------Pay for Performance is bullshit-----------------------------
The problem: In Ts & Cs, page 4: “…pay for performance policy is based on the belief that people should be rewarded based on individual contributions that add value to our customers’ business.” – has a fundamental flaw – performance is NOT measured in a consistent or professional manner.

Ethical flaw: Lying – they just don’t measure performance
Any PMP involves asking “your mates” to fill in a PTC and asking them to give you good scores.
person who is your line manager has no idea what your performance has been the previous year.
The Evidence: Competence categories defy scoring,
“relationship building” and “market insight” or “Ethical conduct”, “knowledge of Toxic”, “knowledge of metrics” etc.
Category: Corporate policy = ineffective performance review program
References: Internal T&Cs

TOXIC does stand by its commitment to pay for performance, however I would agree that some corporate processes may well have flaws in them but as they mature these flaws are corrected or indeed amend.

In your evidence you highlight identifying “your mates” to fill in a PTC and asking them to give you good scores.

If you approach the PTC selection with that attitude then the whole process will give you little benefit. Handbag!! The idea of identifying PTC candidates is for them to provide your leader with candid feedback on your performance to date. This feedback will allow your leader to identify possible areas for development or improvement. - That “idea” is based on the ideal world that people will be honest and candid. Life is not an ideal world and this is not the reality. People can and DO ask their mates. Get over it.

The PTC process also impacts your second statement about your line manager having no idea of what your performance has been. In today’s leveraged working environment it is increasingly difficult to get a true reflection on someone’s performance that you never physically meet No shit Sherlock . This barrier can be mitigated by increased communication with the individual or a greater view of the individual’s output. However often leaders will request feedback from those that are working closer to the individual i.e. work peers, Project Leader or sometimes the client themselves via the PTC process. Hence the importance of the PTC process and selection policy.

I can certainly agree with your third statement, however as the PMP process has matured over the years, the tool now allows a leader to leave certain categories out of the scoring by allowing a None Applicable against them. The decision to leave certain elements out of the scoring is your leaders. During your annual review you had every right to ask your leader how he / she justified any given score.

THEIR VERDICT: It's not perfect, but it's maturing like a 30 year old cheese. We stand by our cheese.

3 ------------------------------- PMP scoring is farcical ----------------------------------

The problem: PMPs scoring inconsistent to the point of being ridiculous thanks to no checking of scoring or training of managers
Ethical flaw: Fraud: Making it totally impossible get high PMP scores
The Evidence: PMP 2003, objective 2 – one omission resulted in a score of 2/9. Mathematically 1 error is 1 ninth, i.e. the correct score was 8/9
Objective 4 –The standard was to enter all hours by noon Monday, yet doing so gave a max score of 5 out of 9. Why?!!!

Category: Poor corporate policy
References: SAP PMP records

Unfortunately I was unable to interview GoogleFool as he no longer works for TOXIC. [He’s quit so that makes it all OK. It was just his crap mathematical flaws despite having a phD.]

Any goals within the PMP process need to be SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound) to describe and quantify an outcome and to establish accountability.

Here are the five characteristics of SMART goals:
You should work with your leader to develop individual goals that have the SMART characteristics and include a clear description of the goal, how the goal will be measured, and the success target.

You should have had sight of your goals at the beginning of the year and voiced your concerns at that time rather at the end of the year or indeed now.

THEIR VERDICT: You I shouda moaned at the time about GoogleFool's scoring methods.

4 --------------------- Equal pay -----------------
The Problem: Salary is less than other permanent employees doing same job
Ethical flaw: Unfair (unequal) pay policy
The Evidence: TonyT, team lead of Front Office vs me, team lead of Front Office
Category: Corporate policy
References: Supposedly only applies to different genders!

Please refer to section 1.6.2 of your Employee hand book.

Within TOXIC, employee compensation is confidential because an employee’s pay is a personal matter between that person and his or her leader. Confidentiality of salaries enables leaders to reward their staff in a direct relationship to their individual performance without creating antagonism or discussion amongst peers. Individual compensation therefore is confidential, and should be discussed only with your leader, or other senior leaders in your organisation, unless a regulation requires otherwise.

[can you add something here about Tony Thomas’ role being more senior or him being more experience? If not then put in something vague like … Whilst I don’t wish to comment extensively on your salary vs Tony Thomas’ salary, I would like to make the general comment that an individual employee’s salary takes into account a number of different factors – performance, experience, skill and knowledge to name but a few.

Note: The blue is the “sanitized” version of the truth from HR, written as if Neil wrote it, whilst the red is from Dick's Cheese, the author (allegedly) of this report. Hmmm. The wonders of electronic ink. Shame they don’t even know how to use Word. Too incompetent to cover up their own incompetence.

THEIR VERDICT: Pay is confidential. How dare you even mention it.


5 ---------------- Holiday stolen ------------
The Problem: Suspension of holiday pay of 20 days, from 10/7/02 – 11/01/02. HR gave 5 days back.
Ethical flaw: Theft – Holiday reduction is equivalent in law to with-holding of pay (theft)
The Evidence: HolidayStealer’s letter.
Category: 1 manager’s decision
References: n/a

I am sure you will appreciate that this point in your grievance is particularly difficult to investigate due the time that has elapsed and the evidence at hand. As you have now left TOXIC I only have your actual grievance statement and your email stating that there was no prior contact from either Gareth or Tony, however I did speak to Tony and I would agreed that the whole situation should have been dealt in a more appropriate manner.

I don’t wish to go into the details of the series of events for this summary. I will however stress that there was a complete breakdown of communication on both sides.

HolidayStealer said that you did not have a land line at your home address and stresses [Well he would wouldn’t he. That does not alter the fact of the utter illegality of his later, ultimate behaivour.] that he called you on numerous occasions on your mobile phone and left voicemails, but you did not respond to any.

I asked Tony whether any other communications channels were tried such as a letter or a physical meeting and Tony admitted that none of these were tried. However it is the employee’s responsibility to contact his / her leader when he / she is not available or attending work. I do not think it is appropriate for an employee to remain at home without written permission from his / her leader to do so.

THEIR VERDICT: It could have been dealt with more appropriately but it wasn't. You should have been at work. The fact that there was no desk, PC or seat for you is irrelevant.

MY VERDICT: Suspending holiday with or without any warning is equivalent to taking salary without permission and quite, quite illegal.

...time for a rest. 3 more grievances to go yet, but it's the early hours now!!!

Out of scope

Hmmmmmmmmmm. Given that I have quit in disgust at things just like this, I really don't care about this. The role that I left however is probably still "in-scope". I can't imagine how it would not be.
Nice that he is mailing people (there's at least 2 in the "to" list) still.

-----

From: Toupee
Sent: 21 May 2007
To: some bloke; "me"; an indian; A bread loaf; the annoying loudmouth Indian bloke who has left; bloke 2; bloke 3; etc.
Cc: whoever

Subject: FW: DCA Service Transition : Out of Scope Confirmation Auto forwarded by a Rule
OUT-OF-SCOPE CONFIRMATION

Based on further analysis of the roles required to deliver the LoCCS service, carried out in conjunction with your leveraged groups, you are no longer currently deemed to be In-Scope for transfer to ATOS Origin or Logica CMG as part of the DCA Service Transition.

Please confirm by eMail that you acknowledge your role is now out of scope. If you have any questions please contact me directly.

Regards… Toupee

Toupee
Toxic Programme Manager - DCA Service Transition
A House

I am a Robot....

Do I care............

-------------------------------------------
From: Belgian Robot
Sent: 08 May 2007 15:40:16
To: me
Cc: Flakey

Subject: AUTOMATED EMAIL - You have Missing Times in SAP Auto forwarded by a Rule

Dear Michael,

On the Week Beginning 2007. 04. 16. to Week Ending 2007. 04. 22. you have missing times of 6,4 hours.
On the Week Beginning 2007. 04. 30. to Week Ending 2007. 04. 30. you have missing times of 7,5 hours.

Please be reminded that you are meant to enter your hours in to SAP every Monday noon at the latest. At the moment your hours are NOT COMPLETE in SAP. Please could you enter them as soon as possible or advise your manager as to the problem. Please remember time booking forms part of your Goals and objectives

Thank you and kind regards

Belgian Robot

------
No, I don't care....I must have "forgot" to fill "SAP" in properly. Shame.

You want the "other" Mike

From: me
Sent: Tuesday, May 08, 2007
To: Bell, Max

Subject: RE: Need a new user on ecmdb02
Max,

Unfortunately I have no idea who you are and given I have quit, in some disgust, at the general incompetence of the management team and certains others they chose to retain, I thought you need to know sooner rather than later.

Sending me (or anyone) your intended username and password in clear text is really not a good idea. I suggest you find the right Mike Taylor from the GAL and get him to create a new account with a different password.

regards,

Mike

From: Bell, Max
Sent: Fri 04/05/2007
To: "me" (but he meant the American bloke with my name, not me)
Cc: Bell, Another;
Subject: Need a new user on ecmdb02

max.bell said at 5:41PM: can that user get full privs max.bell said at 5:42PM: or even better max.bell said at 5:43PM: new user km_ecm_prod_dummy max.bell said at 5:43PM: password summer09
It will need full privs. The dctmadmin user did not have enough to work.

Max Bell
Documentum Architect

Maureen

I have a rule set on my Toxic inbox that forward's mails direct to me to a special hotmail account, to capture the result of my grievance. It has of course captured all the idiots who persist in mailing me despite me having quit, including Flakey my own boss. Yep, he is still sending me direct mail - explicitly naming me on the "to" line. Maybe he misses me....

Anyway, Cheese is the person dealing with my grievance. It appears I was on his mind when he forwarded this to me. I replied suggesting my name is not Maureen.

-------------------------------------------
From: Cheese
To: me
Subject: FW: BP Auto forwarded by a Rule

Maureen,

The only detail I can give you is that we have 6 resources earmarked for the SDA deployment in BP.. If it is ever signed..

Rgds Cheese

Dick's Cheese

______________________________________________
From: Belgian
Sent: 30 April 2007 14:52
To: ...;cheese;Rutherford, Neil; Stitch, Robert;
Cc: Taylor, Maureen Subject: BP

All,
can you please let Maureen know who you currently have or will have working on BP ?

Thanks,
Belgian
______________________________________________
From: Gary
27 april 2007 15:47
To: Taylor, Maureen; Belgian; cheeseToo
Cc: Dave
Subject: FW: IE Demand Rollup March

Maureen

We don't hold specific customers any resource would be working on, but the most likely candidates to get this information are be Cheese (already CC'ed in originally) Belgian LEC and CheeseToo Arc Inf

Eugene, Wim Can you help Maureen out here please. She needs to know the Resources on or earmarked for BP.

Dave Thought I'd better CC you in after the email I just got from you.

Regards

Robot 512324

I QUIT....

It has been a little whilst since I posted anything, owing to the fact that I left EDS. Oops. There I let it out. The name of the company that makes a profession out of incompetence is open, as I no longer have to fear the wrath of being sacked.

Happily for readers (that's you Alison) Toxic have been busy in my absence.

A quick update is in order:

Before I left, at the end of April I made sure to submit a letter documenting 9 grievances I had with the company and certain individuals.

When I handed in my notice to Dick (aka Flakey) by email on the Friday (May 27th) he rang me on the Monday and pretended to be sorry I was leaving. He then proceeded to demand a formal letter as proof, delivered to his him address in Birmingham. Odd, you may think.
Well, I knew what he was up to. He was stalling. He wanted 30 days notice to be stalled so that my start date would be before I left Toxic. When I asked repeatedly to leave early he robotically quoted "30 days is the notice period. You will stay for 30 days". When I asked again, he even had the gall to suggest that after "advice" from HR he could, in theory, decide my resignation was from the day the Royal Mail delivered the letter (which of course was that extra 2 days) making me stay until 2nd of May. The fact of me starting my new job on April 30th was tough luck.

The words barstard spring to mind.


Anyway, I started my new job on April 30th. The new company is great so far, but time will tell.

Training in 2007

As Vista is brand new out (for a whole 28 days) I thought I would ask the person "hierarchically above me" about getting some training. I got directed to the intranet for details of this year's training plans. More on that story later...

What I did find, after looking at every single folder, was this:

"This dedicated online bookshop will enable you to purchase books at a reduced rate, even compared to others such as Amazon. Books can be purchased using either your own credit card or the Toxic company P'card. Additional discounts will be available for bulk purchases and negotiated based on volumes and books required.
There is no set limit, so you can buy as many books as you wish.

The bookshop covers a whole raft of titles, technical and non technical, and includes books to support the new reskilling programme, Reskilling courses, e.g. Microsoft, Cisco, Sun, VM Ware...
On the 3rd July 2006 the doors of the Toxic Bookshop will be open and the first 50 customers will receive a complementary book with their first purchase. So take a moment to browse this new facility and we look forward to welcoming you.

The Book Shop can be found at http://www.toxic-bookshop.com/ "

Sounds impressive eh!!!

Here's the site:

I won't mention the analogy of asking surgeons who want training being told to go the an NHS bookshop...

Midge

I thought Midge was OK. I have had to start working with now and I will let you judge:

Friday - I was given a piece of work that I knew was hideously over-complicated and badly written. It was mega-urgent as I had to somehow understand, fix and deliver my bit in 2 days so the rest of the team could do their bit in 3 and deliver by Friday.

Monday came and I arrived early. The work had not arrived so I waited and waited. I went to lunch. Ate lunch. Waited some more.
14:27 I got an email with the work. Except it was the wrong thing. I replied and waited.
14:28 I got an email from Midge saying "you can start now"
About 3pm "V" arrived and told me he was extracting the files I needed to start from the bit that was sent.
so I went for a cuppa tea and waited
16:00 Midge pops by to ask if I have started. Here's the conversation

me: before I answer, why did you feel it necessary to tell me when I could start work?
M: no I didn't
me: yes you did
M: well, that's what I always do when assigning work
me: Midge, I'm 38 years old. I don't need you to tell me when and when not to do my job
M: Well no-one else has a problem with the way I assign work except you
me: well you will have to make an exception for me then
M: OK, well that's fine but I was just telling you to start.
me: Well I found it to be micromanaging.
M: No it wasn't. I don't do that. So as you ARE a 38-year old I will expect you to do the work and give me an update tomorrow.
me: yes, I will
M: I will trust you to get on with things then
me: exactly


Tues - I finally started to get under the hood and figure out how it worked and what I needed to do, but the more I look the more I got confused (and my mind was still distracted but the sarcasm).
11:30 "V" came by and helped bring me into focus
13:30 I had not got much further and V returned but started to take over (at which point the confusion turned to chaos)
16:30 we had a meeting with Midge to update progress. He has another little "dig" when he asks
"Mike, can you give X an update on what it was you told me you need an update on"
exasperated at the stupidity of the question I pause and he asks V to answer instead.
18:00 we are no further on and go home

Now it's my turn for some work

Last Friday another 4 people left Toxic. This is a continuation of a stream of people leaving because Toxic lost the last project and the customer is in shut-down mode. Most people voted with their feet as they didn't want to hang around waiting for Toxic to decide where to employ them. Even many of the contractors left early because Toxic is, well toxic.

So that has left me with a team of 0 people and all their work. Ironically the last of my team to leave used to grab all the work for himself and kept himself busy. Unfortunately that gave the project managers the impression that he knew everything to the exclusion of me. Which is why they chose him to stay until the contract is handed over. Pity for them he had other ideas because various things had pissed him off over time. Like their incompetence for example.

Anyway, I am left holding several babies. I was given the first one to work on this week but it is so badly put together it makes my head hurt. It was "cobbled together" by some fool of a contractor who could not code a video never mind a script. His solution goes like this:

start autlogon as admin
calls script2
script2 calls script3
script3 calls a .BAT file
.BAT calls script4
script4 does some magic hardware detection and the gobbles 3 registry files, but, hold on, if it's a certain model it creates a new registry file from the other one it had
.BAT continues....
....and calls some Black Magic that does things without touching the mouse
and deletes the files
and then reboots

Very elegant.

Now for the cherry on top. No-one thought to document the actual design. And the fool who put that ill-fitting jigsaw solution together has been replaced by a lovely chap. The trouble is he has an almost patholigical habit of giving people the wrong files. Bearing in mind there are 5 models of machine, each needing 3 files, and about half a dozen other files, each a possible different version and you begin to want to weep.

So it came to pass that today after finally getting the source files from the customer (as that way I know they are the real ones) I start putting the jigsaw together ready to bolt on this extra bit.
The guy, who I will call V (for version) came by and helped me a bit and then tried to take over. That's when it all went wrong because he brought HIS USB stick with him with HIS copies of the files, that were just a little different.

We tried working together and he kept wanting to run the whole solution only to see it fail as there were files all over the place and references with wrong names etc.

We finally were almost there apart from the mysterious habit of the scripts keep installing the wrong drivers. I narrowed it down to the Black Magic program. Unfortunately it was sealed in an EXE, but undeterred V was adamant that he could edit it. He tried. He failed.

At that point it was too late in the day (about 4:30 and we had to report to Midge (project mangler no 3)).

Midge asked what the score was and I was too exasperated to explain, but mis-reading this as ignorance he appeared to assume I was too stupid to understand his question and hence answer and asked V instead. V duly explained and repeated himself about 6 or 7 times. Maybe 8 because I lost count.

It was decided we go home and come in tomorrow fresh.

I came home, watched Life on Mars and found the problem about near the end, so it took maybe 30 mins. V had somehow got a version of the Black Magic I had never seen before. Even the icon was wrong....

I go to work tomorrow with a large Samurai sword.

An update

Well, it has been a short while but I had some holiday to take. Bizarrely, in a twist of fate I can't take any more from now until April. It's a brand new year but I only had 5 days for Jan to April because, in their infinite wisdom Toxic have introduced Flexible Benefits.

This means they bend staff over a barrel, empty our pockets of more salary because you now pay for any benefits (!) and you walk away thankful for it.

The heady benefits are in 3 groups financial, health and "lifestyle"

Unfortunately the financial benefits are:

Critical illness insurance = money if too ill to work
Income protection = money if, errr, too ill to work
life assurance = money if you die and are too dead to work
accident insurance = money if you are too disabled to work
accident insurance for kids

oh and a Pension.

The health bit is normal and strangely more than some other medical insurance schemes.

The "lifestyle" choices are the best:

You can buy more holiday days(!!!)
Get travel insurance (woooooooo)
A mobile phone (double-woooo)
Vouchers
or wine by the case

I think you can guess that none of these are cheap but that's another story for another time perhaps.

Sweeties

Charity at Toxic begins at home.

For those whose eyesight is failing the note says:

"Did you forget to pay for your sweeties. The sweet box was £2.56 short today.

Thankyou

Sweetie Lady"

Cutlery

The Servery (aka the kitchen) is well equipped for such a toxic place, having 2 fridges, 1 microwave, 1 dishwasher a sink and a kettle.

There's just one tiny, eeny little problem. This is the cutlery drawer. Can YOU spot the problem? (Hint: there used to 75 people at least, working in the building).

Toxic Building - Part Deux

Here is another little gallery of the strange quirks of the building that Toxic is based in.



This is a shot of the huge air-conditioning units that serve the building with some gorgeous art work by some of the local louts who like to hang out under here.

The area is a kind of tunnel underneath the building, in the car park.











I presume this is a self-portrait by the yoof.

















Here is the ceiling of the area, which is roughly underneath my desk!

The holes are where the yoofs have smashed the tiles leaving lovely big holes for the wind and pidgeons to roost in.



Note the cables hanging down for them to swing on, and the yellow tuft of the remaining insulation material.


The rest of it was blowing around the car park until it rained and became squelched into mush.


















Now then, this is my FAVOURITE photo. This, ladies and gennelmen, is the toilet cubicle.

You will note the full length frosted glass window allows you to sit and admire the car-park and to wave at the people who come out for a sneaky fag (cigarette for the non-UK readers), out the back of the building, whilst you pass your bowels.




















and for those who doubted what lays to the left.......














le crapper avec la fenetre

Harassment is an art form

Here's a little proof that Toxic are really good at training people in things that matter.

They truly excel in this subject matter.

Anti is such a small yet simple word, but change the whole meaning of something...

You really will comply...oh shit

Unable to let go of this little form filling, box-ticking exercise, lest he get rapped on the knuckles for not getting his minions to obey (by high-noon this Wed), Flakey duly keeps up the pressure:

Gents,

Many of you are unable to update Industry Affiliation etc. This field has now been uploaded, from within the tool itself.

Therefore can you please ensure your skills, and certification are upto date.
Please also note that some of you may have Holiday schedules as US Holiday and 40 hour weeks.

If you are unable to update these - please call.

Regards
Flakey

NB - Contractors are exempt from Corp as they are temporary resource

---
Please note the offensive use of jargon referring to human beings as "resource". Allow me to digress a little but my team-mate had long conversation with Flakey in the week where-in Flakey was adamant that contractors could get into Corp, and it was not only for Toxic permanent staff. It transpires, after every other contractor told him the same story of "we can't get in", he finally accepted reality.

Reading the above "this field has now been updated", referring to the item Flakey wanted everyone to fill in, you would think everything is fixed. Wouldn't you? You forget this is Toxic. I look and it is still the same....no edit button, with "classifications" still as empty as Flakey's head.

So, in my little way, I ask the web admins.

From: me
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 8:33 PM
To: CorpHelpdesk@toxic
Subject: I can't edit "Classifications"...Case Number: 12121279777//AC
My leader is telling me to do so but I cannot comply. Please fix.

thanks

I got the reply:

Please be informed, that updating the Classification information is the Resource Manager's responsibility and you cannot update it.

Perhaps your manager is telling you to update as you are most likely non-compliant in this area, but again this is your resource manager's responsibility.

Thank you.

Regards,
Corp Helpdesk

----
So I forwarded it to him as FYI...

[Note it was obvious to a blind-man with a paper bag on his head and sealed in a dark room, that this always was something for management to be responsible for, but there's the rub - responsible.

ironincally, Flakey's not job title is, wait for it......Capability Manager.]

Reply to Comply or....

Sent: 22 January 2007 11:42
To: Flakey
Subject: RE: Evolve Profiles and non-compliance

Flakey,

I think you will find that no-one can comply with the request as there is no "edit" on the classifications pane. You can only expand or collapse that item.

The only 3 sections I can edit (and I suspect others are in the same situation) are "schedule", Qualifications and Work Preferences.

I also noticed my working week info is wrong (40 not 37.5) as well as the hiring date but cannot edit that either. I mailed the help people but have no response yet. My guess is that you have the power to edit this (under General Info) and Classifications too.

Thanks,

Mike


Note they had decided (and I say decide because I cannot fathom where else they got the date other than thin air) that I started at Toxic on 1/1/1971. Thankfully, I was only 3 years old at the point...so I was not even if the same country, never mind planet, as them.

Comply or....

It has been a while since my last post, but things have been slow in a way.







Here is a group email from Flakey:




Gents,




Please find enclosed the latest audit report for your CORP profiles and their non compliance.
A majority of the non-compliance are to do with :-




Predominant Functional Role and Predominant Industry
Predominant Functional Role must have a value and cannot be 'Not Applicable'; Predominant Industry must have a value;




This can be found in your profile under -
Select Edit on the Classifications pane.
Please update your records by midday Wednesday 24th January as a fresh report shall be run.




This should take no longer than 20 minutes to complete.







There was just one teensy weensy problem. Staff (underlings) cannot see any "edit" button to click on the classifications pain. Pun intended.

Anyway, I took the opportunity to update this web-based inventory of employee skills...


As you can see I have been busy. I am particularly proud of facial recognition. I can recognise most people in the building now, a skill that my boss Flakey would be hard-pressed to do, since he has only seen and met my team twice.

Identity badge

I lost some material from last year because my laptop's hard disk died spontaneously in October. Luckily, I mail some things to myself sometimes ;).

So, here is an email that came whilst I was off in mourning so I am guessing the form in question is for security clearance. The last sentence says it all really and 100% genuine. I don't make this shit up you know.


From: PM Lead
Subject: Security forms

Please note that the last page, page 12, of the form has to be completed. You need to present a form of ID to your manager (passport preferred), in case they don't recognise you, and they sign the form.


My response at the time to my team mate was:

1) what type of ID does one have that has a photo on?

(a) a student NUS card
(b) a bus pass
(c) a taxi driver badge
(d) a passport

2) if your manager doesn't recognise your face, what is wrong. The manager...

(a) is a twat
(b) is too busy going to meetings to meet staff
(c) is working from home as usual
(d) is on a 2 week holiday and no-one else standing in knows you from Adam


3) your team lead is off, so you don't "have" a manager to sign the form, never mind look at your ID then your face, then your ID again. Do you:

(a) laugh hysterically
(b) point at PM
(c) laugh again
(d) sign the form yourself with your left-hand and then hand it in


If you answered a-d on all questions go to the top of the class and work the weekend, as approved by me and Flakey even though he's in Italy or somewhere.
If not, get your coat you're leaving.

Mike

Info: Website

Curses, I wanted to use this name but they got there first.

http://www.toxicboss.com/index.html

Mine will be better anyway :P.

No more Dusty Wig for you Jim lad

Last night Lliam came over and had a word with me about my email, where I asserted that I will be the point of contact for PMs (Project Managers) to assign work, rather than my staff (of 2).

He then revealed, like Marvello the Magician, that the customer is no longer paying for my services which means that I unable to do any work for them even if I want to (which I do).

I asked him how the hell do they work that one out as I have been working on that project for over 2 years, and if true how come no-one told me. It was wasted breath though because he was only the messenger bless him.

Add that to the knowledge that Flakey has refused to let Paul work from home we are now in the situation:

Paul is not allowed to work from home
I am not allowed to work from work or home

Well, not until they find me something anyway. I won't hold my breath.

job agencies

I am looking hard for a new job, as you might expect, and this is the "job specification" that one of the knob jockeys, err, agency staff sent me.


Job Purpose & Accountability:

This will involve the oversight and direction of a group of Trials Engineers in extracting suitable Validation criteria from the Through Life Management Plan (TLMP) and the Integrated Test, Evaluation and Acceptance Plan (ITEAP), to define Trial Plans for each of the DII (F) Releases, including the preparation and agreement (with the client) of ¡¥use cases¡¦ to evaluate the DII Services from an end-user perspective.

For solution validation Trials (FAT, Pilot, etc.), responsibilities will extend to the execution of Trial Plans in association with MoD personnel, the logging of results/exceptions, the analysis of Trial Logs, and the preparation of Trial Reports.

As a Trial Manager, there will be a requirement to attend and lead Trial Readiness Reviews, Trial take-on Reviews, and Trial Wash-up Reviews with the Client. Much of this effort will be concentrated within the ATLAS Integration and Test Facility at the ATLAS HQ building in Reading?, but there will be some requirement for travel to MoD sites for Pilot Trial and EAT support.

As the DII (F) contract is Service-based, there is no Acceptance¡ in the classical sense, as ATLAS only receive Revenue when the Services are delivered to the client at agreed levels of performance. The Trials are therefore essential to provide the requisite assurance to the MoD that the Services (when delivered) will satisfy the original user (Customer 1) requirement, and expectations, and is a vital component in the ATLAS Revenue stream.

Key Deliverables:

Trial Plans (defining the Trial), incorporating:
Trial Specifications
Trial Procedures
Trial Scripts
Trial Logs (records of Trial activities)
Trial Reports (formal analysis of a Trial)

Advertisement Data:


Skills - Mandatory:
Trial/Acceptance Test Planning
Trial/Acceptance Test Execution
Trial/Acceptance Test Analysis

Skills - Useful:
Defence knowledge

Skills - on the Job:


---
So, you don't need any skill whatsoever, but a bit of defence is useful. Great. I know a bit of Judo. Do I get an interview now please?


Anyway, I replied, somewhat bluntly, that's not a spec - what IT systems are they testing.

Consent

Today, after my questioning Flakey on his apparent ignoring me and general unavailability being 150 miles away - which I have to say is not far enough - he decides to send me a new mail.


Mike

In reference to you consent form for AXA back in 2006- you failed to mark - I consent / not consent to…….
Please make sure this is completed and sent in an enclosed envelope ( for privacy ) marked for my attention only to.

Flakey

Attached was a scanned version of the health/doctor's consent form that "they" made me sign under extreme duress, during the meeting I blogged labelled "Dr, dr".

One of my team is missing

Pre-cursor: At the end Xmas, there was a little argument about one of my team, Paul, having to get permission from not one but 2 people, whilst everyone else could do exactly what the liked. Suffice to say, Paul, not happy at already getting the chop at the end of Jan decided to get another job after Xmas.

After Xmas I come to work and Paul is not here. Paul and I are close friends so I know exactly where he is and why, but since Flakey shoved his oar in and made the unilateral decision to side with the abuse of Project Management's power and then banned Paul from working from home at all without even telling me (but of course Paul told me instead) I wanted to ask what was going on. If it sounds petty, I suppose it is....

I can't stop people behaving like idiots it appears.


From: Me
To: Flakey
Subject: Paul

Richard,

Can you please explain precisely what the score with Paul is now because I am confused. I know he said he is at home owing to his back problems but I also read that he is not allowed to do any further work whilst at home. Specifically:

When does his contract finish?
Who decided he cannot do any work from home?
When was this decision taken?
Why was it taken?
Who authorised the decision?
Does this decision apply to all Desktop staff?

Mike

---
It takes another email of "RSVP" for me to even get a reply 4 days later.

From: Flakey
Sent: Jan 9th
To: Me
Subject: RE: Paul

Mike,

Paul is currently unable to travel to work in Toxania as, his back sounds very painful and serious indeed for which he needs to recover fully before even getting into a car by all counts. The work currently assigned is to be completed onsite - therefore in Paul predicament, he is unable to comply.In regards to Paul's current contract this finishes end January 2007

Regards

Flakey
---
Seeing he is responding to email I quickly reply:


Flakey,

As you are available at your PC, do you use a calendar so I can look when you are busy or out and know roughly when to expect a reply. I expect people to reply the same day at least, but in some cases you wait several days before I get a response. If I didn't know better I'd think you were ignoring me, but I know you are not that petty. I just want to set my expectations.

Thanks,

Mike

Are you sitting comfortably? Good, because this will make uncomfortable reading

Back in mid June my mum's poor health was coming to a head so I explained to my boss Flakey and asked for a meeting about time off for compassionate leave. He replied:


Mike,

Sorry to hear about your Mom, and at this sensitive time we can discuss these matters upon your return.

I would therefore like to meet up at 11:00 on Tuesday. Please drop me a line, or give me a call to confirm.

Regards



-----Original Message-----
From: Taylor, Mike
Sent: MONDAY 13 June 2006
To: Flakey
Subject: RE: Missing Times - AUTOMATED EMAIL

F,

I was intending to return today all things being well. However things are decidedly not well at all, so I will not be in for the rest of the week. Note I had already booked Thurs/Fri as hols this week and had a double medical appt yesterday, which means I will be booked off as sick from 13/6 to 14/6. My medical appt last week was Monday as usual.

Please note I had left my compassionate leave in yours hands last week for Thurs/Fri so did not put any entry into SAP. I rang you at 5:35pm on the Wed to check it was OK, but got no reply.

FYI - I spent [last] Thurs nursing my mum as she is now a lot worse, and then Friday was spent taking her into a Macmillan hospice. Under the circumstances I think it deeply inappropriate for me to book any time as "holiday". I trust you understand.

Finally, I don't wish to be morbid but I have to be realistic; I need to know what time off is available on bereavement. It always was a certainty, but her passing is looking extremely imminent. Could you please let me know.

As you can see I left him in no doubt whatsoever as to what was happening. He arrived for the meeting the following week, on Tuesday. The following is as near to the conversation as I could get without taking a recording device. Thankfully my brain appears to switch to record mode at times like this so I am confident it is 98% correct.

I arrived at the room to find not just Flakey (RB), but his boss Matilda the Hun (JP) - a lady of some notoriety. You will see why.


Mike The “mom” meeting,
(Tuesday 20/06/06)

JP: Hi, Mike how are you?
Me: ok thanks
JP: Well, I meant given the circumstances. We know this is a difficult time for you at the moment.

[a long, detailed enquiry by JP follows..wanting to know the in and outs of everything...but here are the high-lights]

JP: so what’s the diagnosis now?
Me: (confused - it's cancer how can it become "un-cancer") what do you mean? – it’s the same as it was…
JP: so it was in the brain? A tumour?
Me: yes, it was cancer. A grade 4…whatever (failing to recall Latin name) in the brain but they cut it out, or rather tried to, but it grew back because it’s an aggressive type so attacked the speech and the cognitive centre.
JP: So can she recognise you? You know. Does she know it’s you?
Me: She did when I first went home, but later I couldn’t really tell.
JP: Well Mike I know what it’s like. My brother-in-law had something similar last year so I know what you’re going through. He had to have a hospital bed and things, but one thing I do know is he wanted to spend the end with his family, at home. Does your mum specify any wishes.
Me: (by now I am feeling increasingly annoyed and upset and having to dredge up the details all over again, simply for her to say “I’ve been there, done that and got the T-shirt”. It felt she was stuck in “me, me, me” mode) [out loud]: I don’t know.
JP: Right well we’d better stop talking about it now because I’m getting upset about it now
(I look at her and she doesn’t seem to look upset but I can’t tell anything. She could have been talking about the price of frozen peas for all I could see).

JP: Right Mike I believe you have been taking Monday's off for about 5 months now for medical appointments and we as a company have been paying you 37.5 hours to do work, but there doesn’t seem to be any end to them.
RB: Under the Disability and Discrimination Act Mike, we need to have proof that we are not being discriminate [he couldn’t think of the word so rambled] against anyone, so we need to know what the appointment is for.
JP: Can you tell us what the medical treatment is for Mike?
Me: I’m not prepared to tell you that
JP: Oh well, you have been going for 5 months Mike and we need some kind of proof because as far as SAP, or an outsider looking at this is concerned you’re taking the whole day but we have no idea what it’s for.
Me: It may say that in SAP but I have been working from home. The appointment takes about 2 hours total so it is impractical owing to the times of the appointment, to go there and all the way back to work again, so I just work from home.
JP: where is the appointment? (digging for info)
Me: It’s in the wrong direction
JP: yes, but where is it? You live in Wales don’t you? Or is it Reading?
Me: (exasperated as this woman, my top manager is here to deal with deeply personal issues and she doesn’t even know where I live) (under my breath)
JP: OK, so where is the clinic?
Me: it’s in the wrong direction to here. It takes 2 hours
JP: (getting irritated at me not playing ball) well, I don’t doubt that you are working from home Mike, but it remains to be seen whether it takes a full 2 hours for it if you’re not prepared to tell us where it is.
Me: It’s private
JP: Well Mike we have to have some evidence so we can simply request to see your medical records from your GP. Richard has got a form here that you sign and a an EDS doctor, or rather a doctor working on our behalf will assess you and then have a conversation with HR and let us know whether these medical appointments are justified or not.
Me: (to RB) sorry can you explain where the Disability act comes in again
[he does]
JP: here’s the form Mike
Me: (I half-read the form and put it down and try to think about what I can do)
so what do you want from me, a Dr’s letter?
JP: you can send that to HR and then HR will tell us, or be assessed by our Dr. They won't tell us specifically what the problem is, but just either agree you need the treatment or not. It may even be just a phone call, so it all remains between just you and him.
Me: so what is the procedure for taking medical appointments. I am not aware of what it should be, because well, it’s never been explained.
JP: well you need to make up the hours somewhere else in the week. If you’re working from home that means you have to make the 2 hours either each day or work late one day instead.
Me: (I stare at the page for consenting to medical scruting, trying to think but JP can’t stop talking – she keeps filling the silence)
JP: you know Mike I don’t doubt you have an appointment but working from home is not a given, it’s a privilege. We have been very generous up to now but we can stop that…
Me: (I look up and hold my palm face out like a traffic cop and say “Stop Janet” because I am getting riled again; all I can think of is MH coming in 2 days a week because he lives “too far away to commute” and numerous others who wfh on a whim yet no-one bats an eyelid about it. Here I am genuinely sick and getting grief about it. Finally I relent, as, if I send a Dr letter from the clinic I go to that will tip them off I immediately as to the nature of my malady). [out loud] So what about going-forward with the medical appointments?
JP: well it’s connected with this Mike. We have to settle this (proof) before we can discuss the future appointments. I know this is difficult for you Mike and this is a bad time for you but these things have to be done. We need to cross the t’s and dot the i’s.
We’re a caring company and we have been very forgiving up to now but we need to know this information to decide whether you make the hours up or work a shorter working week, say 30 hrs. (a thinly veiled threat of reducing my wage).
Me: (unable to think clearly because my emotional state and JP’s continued verbal diarrhoea I give up): OK, well I guess there’s no option really. I will sign it.

RB: Now Mike I’ve agreed to make last Thursday and Friday compassionate leave for you and then you had the day of for your medical appointment and then you sent me an email to take the following Tuesday and Wednesday off as sick. Well we need a Dr’s note from you for that period of time
Me: I don’t remember sending an email
JP: you must have sent something Mike or Flakey wouldn’t mention it
Me: OK, I just don’t recall. It doesn’t matter. I was too emotional to come to work
JP: Well we still need a medical slip
Me: in my circumstances, if you had just put your mother in a hospice and come back and been too upset to even leave the house, never mind go to work, what…what would…(struggling to speak, my voice trembling with emotion)…what would you tell your boss?
JP: well within half an hour of the first day off I would have rung my boss and told him just that.
Me: so you are refusing to accept self-certification
JP & RB look down at the floor at this point looking particularly sheepish
RB: if someone even has a cold for one day Mike, I can go up to them and ask for a Dr’s note for just that one day.
JP: So can you get it?
Me: I don’t know
RB: well we need to see it Mike. As a caring company, again under the D&DAct we need to prove to HR that we are not discriminating against you.
JP: Otherwise we will have to see about booking it as leave
Me: I thought that’s what this meeting was going to be about?
JP: Well, we’re just getting to that now
Me: (interrupting before they can bullshit me any more) well I want to suggest two things first, the first being leave of absence but the best option being working from home, as I see no reason for to be in the office. All I need to do is attend meetings and I can ring up for that but when I say home, I mean Wales not Slough.
JP: can you get a signal in Wales?
Me: (incredulous) yes
RB: but I rang you last week Mike and left 2 messages and you did not reply at all. You were uncontactable.
JP: Yes, I have problems trying to contact people in Wales
Me: Flakey [annoyed], the reason you did not get through is because the battery died and then on top of that I left it in Wales. So when you rang, it was dead and in Wales.
JP: So you can get a signal? (sounding surprised now the phones work in Wales)
Me: Yes, I have never had any problems at all
JP: OK. You don’t need anything else do you?
Me: well I could do with a docking station
JP: Yes but that’s not essential is it. Well, I don’t see a problem.
RB: Yes, but Mike you have not attended a single team leaders meeting, or the sharepoint meeting or submitted any status reports. If you can’t do that now, how can we be sure you are going to be able to do them from home.
JP: Yes Mike those things are important. I suggest a trial basis for the next two weeks you CAN work from home on the basis that you provide Flakey with what he needs. He is going away tomorrow anyway.
Me: so who is standing in for him?
JP: well it could be you if you’re not careful (hahahaha)
RB: Yes, it is any one of 15 people, but Tony Bullock will be attending. You know Tony.
[at this point the meeting dissolves into idle chat and I just want to leave.]

Post datum: at home-time I sit in the car and want to cry but feel too numb to do so. I feel completely drained and numb with turmoil.

Ho ho ho

Just before Xmas, Flakey demanded that people fill in a page or 2 about the account each team works on. I uploaded the following, rather tongue in cheek info. It appears Flakey has not read it as I don't believe he would be too chuffed. I based my response on what someone up North had put, who included travel details including by plane...so I thought I would too.

I know I wrote this myself, but my favourite bit is the last paragraph as it's complete and utter bollocks, except for the bit Dusty Wigs ending in June, because Toxic lost the contract.


Account Name: Dusty Wig

Address:
Toxic House
Toxic Road
Toxania

Directions:
A map showing the location of Toxic in Toxania is available. Use the postcode HEL L for GPS navigation or Internet maps.

By Car
There is a car next to the building, which is best accessed using a car. Spaces are limited so drivers are asked to park between the white lines or metal studs.
Disabled visitors can park nearest the reception.

By Rail
Toxania railway station is 1 minute drive or 10 minutes walk away. You can find timetable information at www.nationalrail.co.uk

By Plane
The nearest airport is charter only at Farnborough which is only 15 minutes drive from this site. Taxis are readily available from the taxi office (outside the terminal) at the airport.

Description of Account
Toxania is an "Engineering Centre of Excelllent" for Toxic South-East. It serves clients based within the southern UK region. Toxic supported Dusty Wigs until June 2006.
The main desktop build is known as V3.1.2.1a and is Windows XP based with Windows 2000/2003 providing file and print services. Software distribution is by Radia. Email is provided using MS Outlook 2000.

In EUD terms the account consists of approx 3 staff.

No prisoners

Every week it seems some bright spark out there in management land puts together an email that they called InfoBlast and it is written in Pigeon English.

So, today, I thought sod it. I am going to call their bluff and I emailed them.



"Hello,
Could someone please explain, in plain, simple English the meaning of the following, as in the example below:

BPO standards previously released for Lean Six Sigma are updatedAudience: Primary: Designated single points of contact (SPOCs) responsible for Lean Six Sigma standards in hubs and BPO europe; Secondary: Global BPO hub/EMEA/India Delivery leaders, Service Desk leaders, and global BPO Capability leadersImpact: Delivery standards help reduce costs and improve productivity and quality. This initiative supports EDS’ goals of organizational effectiveness and core effectiveness. Action: Review linked article and Lean Six Sigma standards updates and act accordingly.

What is a hub?
What is Lean Six Sigma?
Why is it lean?


I am being serious here. I have no idea what on earth you are talking about in these "infoBlasts" so your message, if it IS meant to mean anything to me is being wasted. I also find such language turgid and obfuscating when I try to follow the links.

Regards,

---
I will see what their reply is and post it here!

TUPE revisited

Over Xmas there was some news regarding TUPE. Here is a quick summary of what on earth TUPE is, as I doubt many people know.

TUPE - a piece of British legislation that attempts to keep things fair when 2 companies fallout and give the contract to someone new.

Anyway, given the importance of it (as it affects people's jobs) when did they have the first proper meeting about it? Yep, the 19th Dec, when most people were not here.


From: X
Sent: 19 December 2006 15:04
To: Staff
Subject: HR/TUPE Briefing

Guys,

Sorry for the short notice.
The EXIT team have agreed to attend Toxania tomorrow to give staff a briefing on the current situation regarding HR/TUPE.
The briefing is open to anyone wishing to attend, naturally the overall TUPE scope will be for people only engaged on "the contract".

The meeting is at 10:30 in the Board Room, and expect to last 1h15mins.

X

_____________________________________________
From: Taylor, Mike To: X
Subject: RE: HR/TUPE Briefing

Hi X,

Happy New Year.

Seeing as this meeting was held when many people were on holiday for Christmas, can you or the exit team provide the minutes of the meeting.
Thanks,

Mike
_____________________________________________

Mike,
I couldn't attend also!

I'll see what I can do……do you have a list of non-attendees?

X

----
So nice to see that the "exit manager", X, responsible for seeing that this piece of Government legislation is done correctly has his priorities set.

Happy New Year

I open 2007 with a lovely bit of news regarding the management approach to HR.


"MIGRATION OF UK HR SHARED SERVICES TO INDIA
As part of the Company’s ‘Best-Shore’ strategy, over the next weeks the HR Shared Services support to the UK business will be migrating to Pune, India. This move has offered an opportunity to review and enhance the existing HR processes so that the UK HR function can better leverage the services it provides to company."

Please note the catch phrase "best-shore" and, what I can only refer to as the "L" word. I cannot speak or type it in full as I end up feeling dirty.

Best-shore - verb - to move a department from a native country where the work IS, to a developING country in an effort to save labour costs in the mistaken belief that a lower hourly rate is vital and moving the service will be satisfactory to the people who try to contact and use the service. The small matter of it being a poorer country and people there selling the often deeply private details to 3rd parties or criminals for huge amounts of money does not ever get considered.

Synonyms- offshore, shaft-the-locals, deskilling-the-natives


Facts: to that show I am not talking out of my arse and being a general misery-guts

http://www.forrester.com/Research/Document/Excerpt/0,7211,39848,00.html
2005 April: Citibank workers bent
2005 June: Offshore fraud is rare, honest
2006 March: Florida is leaking
2006 May: 2000 Mastercard details on sale
2006 June: HSBC Bangalore employee nicks £233000

Hmm, really rare eh.