In loving memory of Pat

This is not really the place to post this, but it does have bearing on the background between me and Flakey.

To cut a very, long, hard story short, in June my mum died from a grade 4 (read worst there is) tumour of the brain, but my management team were unable to bite their tongues as you will see shortly.

Anyway, this is the eulogy poem I wrote:

Bill, Bill!

Get away from the edge
You know I don’t like it,
When you go near the ledge.
Pat was afraid of ledges and heights
But most all she gave us all the frights

Bill, Bill!
There’s a bee, there’s a bee!!
Running around the garden
trying to flee.
Pat was allergic to the honey-bees tail
How we would laugh as her arms would flail

Bill, Bill!
Just look at the water,
Get out there now
and do what you oughta,
Pat was afraid of being flooded and wet
But we live on a hill so it’s not flooded yet

Bill, Bill!
Don’t dare answer that door
The house is a mess,
And I must tidy some more.
Pat was house-proud to all our frustrations
We surely missed out on social occasions

Bill, Bill!!
There’s ants in the kitchen!!
I’m sat on the sofa
and I can’t stop itchin’
Pat was an ant-killer you can all see that clearly,
but she was our mum and we will miss her dearly

Bullying...I'll show you what bullying is then DrMike

Late afternoon Wednesday I send a "nice-o-gram" email out thanking people for helping me finish some work by doing their job testing it! Not that it's my place to do so, but it's xmas and I know management won't thank them. Anyway, following a minor faux paus typo meaning I recalled and re-sent the email when I was kindly told just minutes later by Paw, I get two replies:

You had me going there for a moment.
Good work by you and Fluffy to get this through
Boss A
---
Mike,
I would suggest double check your emails before sending…..
Flakey

I felt, how can I say, rather vexed by one of them. One demonstrates how to manage people, the other how to bully. Can YOU spot the difference?

Bullying - what bullying? I can't see any bullying

On Wednesday, two days after both Paul and I had made formal complaints to our manager, Flakey of intimidation, sarcasm, lying and victimisation (all of which we have proof for) I was unable to wait so I ask Flakey to ring me.

This is the conversation, as near verbatim as I can get (it's a skill I have, ironically empowered whenever I get upset):

Part one

Me: hello
RB: are you alright???
Me: yes
RB: it sounded like you fell over there?
Me: no, I was just coming into the office
Rb: silence
Me: have you read the emails
Rb: what emails do you mean?
Me: about what’s going on here
Rb: oh you mean about Paul Medcalf and working from home
Me: yes
Rb: Yes I have
Me: Well have you reached any conclusions?
Rb: I’m sorry??
Me: Have you come to any conclusions about what you have read?
Rb: Well they are both lying but my decision stands
Me: So you mean they are both lying?
RB: well I am not taking sides here but the PMs are telling me one thing and Paul Medcalf is telling me another story completely
Me: but you’ve read Paul’s email?
Rb: yes, but as far as I am concerned the process for working from home is as I communicated to the whole of EUD last week
Me: So you don’t see there is a problem with two other teams doing it one way and Front Office being required to do it another
Rb: I outlined the process last week and that applies to the whole of EUD UK
Me: so you really don’t see there is any problem having a difference in policy?
Rb: I sent the email out last week and that is my policy
Me: This goes back before the email last week though. The whole situation is aimed at just Paul. It is bullying.
Rb: Burying
Me: BULLYING
Rb: I’m sorry – burying?
Me: Bull-eee-ing
Rb: I don’t see that The process is that if anyone wants to work from home then they ask me and they ask the SDM.
Me: So as far you are concerned you don’t see a problem with front office having to ask permission and other teams not needing too?
Rb: No, no at all. I sent the email last week and that is the new policy
Me: So you just made it up?
Rb: I can do what I want
me: I’m sorry but that might be what you learnt at the management school you went to but that’s not the management school that I went to.
Rb:
Me: So are you going to do anything to clarify things?
Rb: Well I am going to send an email later this afternoon.
Me: OK

Part 2

Me: I have to say I feel very, very angry about the way…I feel I have been treated this year
Rb: Oh?
Me: I mean by management
Rb: I don’t remember Mike
Me: What do you mean you don’t remember?
Rb: I’m sorry I can’t think of anything you’ll have to remind me.
Me: I’m not going to put my words in your mouth Richard. Try and think. Think about June. What happened in June?
Rb: Well your mum passed away sadly
Me: and what else?
Rb: We had a meeting where we you signed a consent form for medical examination and we discussed your medical appointments.
Me: Anything else?
Rb: Not that I remember
Me: what about the two days I took off
Rb: You obviously have a better memory than me
Me: the two days I took off two weeks before my mum passed away because I was upset
Rb: we agreed that thanks to your medical history we needed a doctor’s note for those two days
Me: so you don’t see why I would feel upset about any of that?
Rb:
Rb: No
Me: Well I need to have a meeting with you in January to bottom things out…I am breaking up for Xmas today so we can’t do it before then.
Rb: ok

Part 3

Me: ok, well what about the project managers and the way they keep leaving me out of the loop and ignoring me
Rb: the process for working from home…
Me: Richard I am not talking about that now. I am talking about them assigning work now. I want them to only come to me to give work out.
Rb: Oh, ok, well if they are not doing that then I will let them know.
me: ok
Rb: Well thanks for that Mike. Have a good xmas break. Bye matey.

-----
Matey....I don't think so.

Bullying - found them out

As Paul was really not happy at the way the last few days have gone he decided to call the PM's bluff and ask other staff whether they had to "ask permission" to work from home. It may seem a trivial point blown out of proportion but when you KNOW you are being victimised but the offenders are telling you they are not, you can easily begin to question your own sanity.

He asked around anyway and shock, horror no-one at all has to beg. They ask their team lead and that's it. For Paul, the team lead is yours truly.

Cue the evidence m'lud....


email from Paul:

Flakey,

Following our conversation on Friday, I've been looking into the information that we have been given regarding the Project Managers, and "asking for permission" to work from home.

I have been told as I believe you have also that we are all required to request their permission to work from home. I have been explicitly told by the project managers that everyone does this, and I assume this is the reason that you passed this on to me on Friday.

After asking the question of my colleagues in Toxic I find that this is not the case. In actual fact I can find not a single person that has to ask for permission to work from home from a project manager. I took the liberty of speaking to the A team leader, and the B team leader who have both kindly put this in an email which are copied below.

I mentioned in the last meeting we had with Mungo (PM lead) several months ago that I felt I was being victimised and was assured that I was not.

I now have proof that I am.

I would also point out that neither Dave, or Mike ask the PM's for permission to work from home and neither of them has been spoken to by anyone regarding this. I have had endless accusations put to you and Mike over the past months all of which I have proved to be untrue.

All I want to be able to do is to work in the same manner as my colleagues and for this bullying to end immediately.

I spoke to Agency twice regarding this on the two previous occasions I have been unjustly abused by members of the PM team, and am keeping them informed this time also.

Yours Sincerely

Paul
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Paw - team Leader of A - Toxania

Paul,

As mentioned [ed: verbally], my policy is that as long as the person within A can work productively from home and can be contacted when necessary, then I do not have a problem with my team doing so. Unfortunately A work is generally more hands-on so my team do not often have that opportunity.

I feel, that depending on the type of work that the person is doing, that they should work in the manner that best suits them having the opportunity to get the work done.

I would only explicitly inform the project manager that a person is working from home if it was likely to impact on the current piece of work.

Thanks

Paw
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Email from MCHammer - Team Leader of B, Toxania

Paul

I must admit to not necessarily following a rigorous process in this matter. If a member of staff wants to work from home, I would normally expect them to having a "good reason", e.g. car problems, gas boiler repair, builder coming, etc. I would then assess with them whether they could in fact do the work from home. I would not expect them to ask the PM for explicit permission, they work for me, not the PM. I will generally inform the PM, but I must admit that I sometimes forget! However, if there is an issue it should be between me and the PM, not the individual and the PM.

Regards

MCHammer

-----
we await a reply, but are not holding our breath.

Corporate survey

Today I had a nice email from "corporate quarters" asking for my opinion on leadership. So I told them...

your Comments:

My immediate leader has behaved like a bully on several occasions and shows no evidence of either ethics or a backbone.

(the demographics are not true by the way so you can't narrow down the anonominity).

---
Well, they DID ask.

My response to the boss

Flakey,

I feel things are getting out of control here with regard project management's methods - as in they are handling the situation badly and I have a headache now. Here are the facts:

Lliam just came and sat next to Paul and asked him something about a meeting and then came back and said that Midge has refused to pay overtime.Paul replied that he has done all his hours this week, so will either stay and take the time off next week or go.

Lliam then became sarcastic and started to ask what Paul has been doing all week and had he really booked the whole week to a working on a 5K file. Paul replied yes and asked what Lliam wanted to do. Lliam then walked off and said I will cancel the meeting today and schedule for Monday, and assume you will be in then.

Two hours notice are required for a meeting, not just 30 mins and clearly Paul did not refuse to go to the meeting - he offered to stay and take the time off next week.

General situation

Personally, I find the situation un-professional and totally unnecessary and it seems to have been self-inflicted by the PMs not controlling the situation and then over-reacting totally before going running their superiors (because they have no direct authority) and subsequently getting stuck in an endless loop.

They never, ever bother to tell me anything either about the work, the changes to the work plans or whether they need any of my team and choose to berate them directly and then escalate it - i.e. they choose to cut me out of the loop, alienating both me and my team members and then are "surprised" when said team members are not as friendly on their next conversation.

To make matters worse, I believe that T, the packager who is meant to be working with Paul on the X problem is playing Machiavellian games; I am afraid this now dips into the realms of playground tittle-tattle:

Lliam told me that T has told Lliam he had been trying to get hold of Paul "all day" but when I asked for evidence the exact opposite true.

The fact that it boiled down to a breakdown in communication seems to have been ignored and Paul has been held accountable (i.e. blamed) for "holding things up", when he was doing nothing of the sort and yet the project managers felt it perfectly acceptable for T to go and get his new X5 on Wednesday and not get asked to come in because he was "too far away". This conversation occurred in front of my desk, with one PM getting assurance from the other that "that was all above board and OK".

Summary

Paul, has yet again been made a scapegoat of other people's inability to control a piece of work and of another team's lack of communication skills leading to the apparent gullibility of one PM and compounded by the inequality of other PM's treatment of staff and the worst thing is it was all so totally unnecessary.

The result is that trust has now officially left the building, closely followed by morale.

Going forward

I want the games by other teams to stop, PMs to stop harassing both my staff and come to me and only me if they feel there is even the a hint of problem so that I can deal with it professionally and productively without stress as such stress is no good for anyone's health, least of all mine.

Pram...toys....oop, there they are look - on the floor

As Paul is understandable a little upset at the behaviour of PMs, he arrives late on Friday. However he cannot do anything because T has been given a "severity 1" problem to do. For those of you not familiar with classifications a severity 1 IT issue means that the red telepphone on the directors desk is flashing, the batman silhouette is shining in the sky, the SAS are on standy by and Kate Adie is donning her flak-jacket ready to go in to the troubles-spot.

The nature of the "sev 1" remains a mystery but means Paul can't do any work. Come 2:30pm, T has magically given the work back to Paul and Lliam the PM decides to call a meeting for 3pm.

Unfortunately, Paul is not happy and replies "well, I would like to stay but I have done my hours for this week. Either I stay and get overtime or stay and take the hours off next week or I go."
Lliam mumbles about getting approval for overtime and returns to say "no - it has not been approved".

Paul then repeats his statement and asks "what do you want want me to do?"
Lliam loses the plot....

Lliam: I find it hard to believe you've done your hours as you've not even been here
Paul:
Lliam: and you only came in at 11am today
Paul: you don't normally mention what time I come in
Lliam: so you've done all your hours?!
Paul: yes
Lliam: so you spent the whole week working on a 5K file
Paul: yes
Lliam: and you've charged for that have you?
Paul: yes
Lliam: fine! well I'll cancel the meeting then...(walking away)
...and re-schedule it for Monday now...if you decide to turn up that is...

He is, a little upset.

Broken car!!! how very dare you!

On Tuesday one of my team let me know that his car was in the garage having failed it's MOT (UK's road vehicle test). I accepted it and let him continue to work from home. Wednesday came and went without event.

Thursday however, ome of the PMs (Project Manglers) came to to talk to his chum. LLiam started murmuring to Midge in hushed tones . They continue for several minutes, bitching to each other.

Then Midge looks up at me and asks "Have you spoken to Paul recently?"

me: Yes, I spoke today thanks
Midge: Any news?
me: He has car problems
LLiam: T has been tried to contact him all day Tuesday and failed so I ended up having a conference call with him and he said he might grace us with his presence on Friday and T is there doing nothing because he is waiting for Paul for some work. Anyway it has been escalated to his manager and they will deal with things from there.

There was nothing I could say to that as I was completely in the dark as to what on earth he was talking about and never pass comment without knowing facts first. (I'm odd like that - I prefer to know what I am talking about before I mouth off).

I contact Paul immediately to get his side of the story. I know he is effectively stranded thanks to his car, but the rest is unclear. He tells me he has done any work he needed to do and emailed it to T and he told Lliam so on Wed night at 9pm.

(I hope you are following still - it's going to get messy very soon!)

Paul then sends me the discourse between T and him. It went something like this.

10:00am Hello. Where are you?
11:30am What?
2:30pm Where are you? What are we doing? lol
4:30pm Ring me, you cock [ed - meant with endearment]
4:40pm I did and got voicemail
5:00pm So you you rang my phone which is on and didn't ring and you did not leave a message???

After that I gather Lliam, T and Paul had a teleconference.

So, as you can see, someone was not trying very hard at all to contact Paul, yet somehow the situation has become "oooh let's all stand and point our finger's at Paul and say "he's crap and he knows he is!!"

After I told Paul what was being said, effectively behind his back he rang Lliam immediately. Then Mungo appears, as if by magic, clearly gloating wanting to know the latest gossip. More whispering ensues but my radar-ears clearly pickup the words "Paul..." so I know exactly what is being said.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the Great Toxic Children's Circus

---
ADVERT

Please now go and have a nice cup of tea and a rich tea biscuit or some other refreshment. This anecdote is only halfway through.


----
Refreshed? Ok, good. Let's continue.
The story so far...man stranded at home get's blame for "holding things up because he is not sat at his desk".

Paul then rings our collective boss Flakey. Flakey has been told the same lies that I had been and so he is adamant that Paul comes in to the office despite Paul telling him that he has done the work and is unable to travel anywhere at all thanks to his car being at the garage. Apparently a lack of personal transport is "minor" as is Paul being able to complete the work at home. Paul has to get into the office or else!

Meanwhile back at the "Big Top" tent that they call the office I investigate further. I soon discovered that "T" was not in the office on Wednesday as he was somewhere in London collecting his new car - a monstrous BMW X5. I know that as Mungo came to talk to Midge (who sits 3 foot away from me, and told him "I told T he can 'work from home' as it will take him an hour to get back and it's 2pm now, so it's not worth it. He said he can work on documentation"

Yes, that old chestnut..."doing some documentation". Or as some rather more blunt people might say, doing the lottery/Sun crossword/fantasy football. Not that I am suggesting the mysterious "T" would be doing that. I imagine he would be sat dribbling over the Dakota leather upholstery of his new car. Allegedly.

I digress. T was friends with Mungo, so he was allowed not to be sat at his desk. Paul however, who was working (and available) and without any vehicle at all, was being reported to teacher for being AWOL.


My Final Straw

The final straw for me comes by way of "The Schedule." Now this might get long-winded so make sure you are sitting comfortably before you begin. Many moons ago, when my team and I were blissfully working alone and un-project managed and producing work regularly as clockwork, but then one dark and stormy night the Grand Wizards in the Great Tower passed wind, shortly before passing a decision. Toxania is to have some Project Managers and lo' they shall go to where the minions are and oversee the work and make things more efficient. For this you will use a Magic Book of work to do thy work. Excel shall be its name!!!

So, it came to pass that 3 experts came to the office and they went off into a meeting room for many months and began strange incantations and murmurings. Then, one of them came out of the room and sent an email. From now on engineers will use "extracts" from the Great Microsoft Project Plan, for you to read in the Magic book of sheets, Excel.

Here is last week's plan:

What Priority Team Member Magic code Start Date Finish Date
900 Toads 2.0 Paul[75%], T[75%] 534563 12/12/2006 22/12/2006
800 Frogs 1.5 Paul[75%] 343242 15/12/2006 21/12/2006
700 Lizards 1.5 Dave[75%] 525222 11/12/2006 20/12/2006


Now, for prudence I have replaced some specific things but kept the main bits I have issue with. Can you see the delibarate flaw in their plan???

Yes, folks, the bit of work that Paul was castigated for was not meant to start for a week on Tuesday. The more observant amongst you will also wonder how can anyone have a decimal priority or have 2 people working on 1 thing 75% and thus contribute 150% effort when, per centages are part of 100.

Meeting

I later confronted Lliam with the points that he had gone over my head and escalated to the boss when it would have been correct to come to me first and the work "extract" was wrong.
After I asked him the fourth time, I got through his verbal barrage of wittering. He paused. It was a long pregnant pause that he could have had triplets in...and he said sorry. But then recovered and insisted it did not matter. The work had been started early so there.

We parted on the agreement that he would never "go over my head" as long as I reminded my teams (yes plural - I seem to have gained more than one now) that they must ask permission in future to "work from home", escpecially if your car has broken.

Corporate Meetings

I got up early for a meeting today. Here is the agenda. It looks impressive doesn't it.


01 Current Action Items 00:10 Action Items Database
02 Current Status 00:05 Status Reports Folder
03 Team News 00:05 Meeting Support Folder
04 Tech Update 00:10 Development News
05 Work In Progress 00:15 Assignments Sheet
06 Issues 00:05 Issues Database
07 Suggestions 00:05 Suggestions Database
08 Review New Actions 00:10 Action Items Database
09 Next Steps 00:05 EMEA Leaders Meeting


Let me walk you through it a little.

01 Has actions like "talk to Fred", "email Sue", "scratch arse", "open mouth to talk", etc
02 is a list of everything that minions like me are doing regardless of their leader
03 Team News is great. The content is here:

"New Team Members
Welcome to the EMEA End User Devices Group

Location:
Account:

People:
Team Leader
Team Members

Training News"

Yep. As empty as a eunuch's underpants.

04 is just a link to another internal page, so nothing to talk about there. Must be just filler...
05 is another link to a spreadsheet of who is working where. It took me to "remind" them recently that they had "Bob" down as still working next to me, on an account that they lost 3 months ago.
06 and 07 are also all empty databases.
09 is a repeat of 01.

As usual it was run by teleconference AND a web meeting which consister of Flakey pointing to his screen with the mouse.

I did note, in the preparation of this blog, Flakey neglected to log me as being present despite. So, I did it for him.

Theresa

As an extra special treat, here are the conversations I had recently with one Nigerian scammer who called "herself" Theresa. (Bad spelling is left as originally typed).


Introduction

me hello
ThereaScam ok how are you doing
me fine thanks
TheresaScam: did you add me to your list?
me which list?
TheresaScam: msn
TheresaScam: its says you are not added to my list
me well you are otherwise we would not be talking
TheresaScam: well that is what it says
me ok, don't worry about it
TheresaScam: alright
me what is your job then babe?
TheresaScam: i recruite young models
me wow that's good
TheresaScam: and what do you do
me: I am a dentist for animals
TheresaScam: that is cool. are you married ?
me no, not yet. are you?
TheresaScam: not. how old are you? i am 26 but turn 27 on 15th october
me I am 32
TheresaScam: i ahd a terrible experience to finding tue love
TheresaScam: so once beaten twice shy they say
me oh, that sounds bad me but you learnt I guess
TheresaScam: i said terrible so i am kind of going to take my time if i ever found someone me yes, I understand
TheresaScam: ok
TheresaScam: so what do you desire in a woman?
me honest, intelligence and caring
TheresaScam: and how far are you looking?
me just the UK
TheresaScam: ok
me what about you?
TheresaScam: sincerity and faithfullness and respect
TheresaScam: as for how far i am looking it within uk
scammerMonkey has canceled the invitation to start sending webcam.
TheresaScam: ok
me hi sorry my cam is broken at the mo - it is plugged in but doesn't work
TheresaScam: no problem oist ju its my desire to help
me how is that? why did you want to see me?
TheresaScam: does that bother you?
TheresaScam: i just saw that you have a cam and wanted to see you that all
me oh ok, that's nice of you to thinkso
me do you have a cam?
TheresaScam: no i dont have a cam
me that's a pity
TheresaScam: why do you say it a pity
me well I'd like to see you too
TheresaScam: my pic is on here in the im box
me I know that but it's always better to see someone live
TheresaScam: yes i know
me tell me again about the money you were asking about
TheresaScam: why ? does that bother you
me no, just you didn't really finish explaining
me you need money for new girls whilst they do shows
TheresaScam: what i said earlier was that i need an investor to help facilitate the running of the project financially then we can shre the preceeds afterwards

me so how much money do the model shows make?
TheresaScam: it depends on the client
me average then
TheresaScam: on average show a model could make like 20,00 naira abt $200
me am confused now
me the models make $200?
me what about you??
TheresaScam: you dont seem to understand
me no, I don't
TheresaScam: that is what we make on each model provided the contract is cool then we
will have to pay them just a little for their upkeep because the remaning
money will be use for running the agency
me right, that makes more sense me how many models are in a show then?

at the moment we got just five ready and wating for shows but i just6 go 2
today so in all we have got 7 have just got 2 today so in all we have got 7
me right
TheresaScam: so why the question do you want to he p out or what
me well how much were you asking for and how much would I get?
TheresaScam: well it depnd on how much you think you can invest
me how far would $200 go?


The Sob Story

TheresaScam: did you enjoy your meal?
me: yes thanks
TheresaScam: so what rae you looking for in a lady?
me: a sense of humour and honesty
me: do you have those traits?
TheresaScam: are yoiu in a relationship now
me: no, are you?
TheresaScam: i am not. i havebeen single for 8month now
TheresaScam: i just couldnt trust any men lately i dont kno why
me: were you let down before?
TheresaScam: yes
TheresaScam: i caught my ex screwing my best friend in my room. i was really shocked
me: oh no!
TheresaScam: then got hospitalise for 5weeks only to get out the hospital and realise they both ran away to madrid
to get married
TheresaScam: he emptied the account we shared together and i never saw him again
me: that's terrible
TheresaScam: yes it was really terrible so i decided i will never have anything to do with men again in
my life
TheresaScam: lately i met a psychologist who advise that i ofrget about my past and move forwrad with my life so that was what brought me to flirtomatic were we met
me: well that was good then
TheresaScam: so tell me abt your love life
me: not much to tell really. I have had about a dozen lovers but they all ended
for various reasons
TheresaScam: why?what reasons
me: they wanted to visit other countries or they met someone else
TheresaScam: sorry i am being very curious and inquisitive just trying to get to k now you
more
me: just the usual
TheresaScam: why would they want to vist ohter countries when they are suppose to be with
you?
me: they were restless and wanted to travel
TheresaScam: oh i see
TheresaScam: do it bother you that i ma far away from you?
TheresaScam: or let me put it this way how far are you looking
me: well I am not sure, just seeing how things go
TheresaScam: ok - TheresaScam: do you really intend to get married early if you find someone you want
me: I think so
TheresaScam: me too



TheresaScam: hello
me: hi - I am busy just name
TheresaScam: hoW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
me: I will speak to you later - I have a bad cold
TheresaScam: ohhhhhhhhh im sorry abt that
me: I was out in the rain yesterday, with a cow and it took so long I caught cold
TheresaScam: have you used any drug?
me: yes thanks
TheresaScam: you are welcome
TheresaScam: do you ever go out having fun?
TheresaScam: if you are busy let me know okay
me: I am busy - I did say
TheresaScam: oh sorry


The Sting

TheresaScam: hello
TheresaScam: ho w are you doing
me ok - I just about to go out - I have an emergency call about a horse with a tooth
absess
TheresaScam: so what that?
me it's an infection dear
TheresaScam: when will you be back
me depends how long it takes
TheresaScam: i had wanted to ask you for a favour if its possible for you to do it
me a few hours
me well quickly!
TheresaScam: my mom was involve in an auto crash last week and needed an operation on her
leg but i dont have
enough money to do that so was just asking there is any hlep you can do for me
me oooh no that's terrible. what's wrong with her leg?
TheresaScam: i think she broke her borne or something i was too scared to listen to all
the explaination when the doc was saying it
TheresaScam: i am very worried and scared i dont want her to loose that leg
TheresaScam: the doc say it may result to cutting the leg off
me I could help her - but you know I treat animals don't you
TheresaScam: yes i know
me if she was a horse I would put her down
TheresaScam: but she is right far away from you
me I know
TheresaScam: so what can you do for me now i have to get back to the doc
me I could come over perhaps
TheresaScam: that will cost you alot of money
me I can bring my sleeping pills for her. I don't know how much flights are. Do you?
TheresaScam: abt 900
TheresaScam: what is on ground now is that the doc ask they i deposite some money and i
have done that i just need the balance to do so before the operation
commence neext week
me so is he going to amputate?
TheresaScam: no if the operation is caried out the doc say she will be fine afterwards
TheresaScam: so how can you help me now,i am really worried
me what do you want from me?
me do you want me to come there?
me hurry - I need to go very soon
TheresaScam: is there any financial assistance you can render towards this operations
TheresaScam: i need some money to complete the operation fees
me yes - how much. Get to the point I am in a hurry
TheresaScam: i dont mine paying back
me how much for God's sake, I have to go!!!!
TheresaScam: 500
me what? dollars? roubles? yen?
TheresaScam: pounds
me ok - well if I post a cheque what's the address?
TheresaScam: a cheque?
TheresaScam: i dont think that is a nice idea why not send tru westerunion or sum thing
me look I really have to go now
me I don't know what western Union is - you will have to explain when I get bac...email me
TheresaScam: its a money transfer
TheresaScam: you can ask your bank
me with the details of what you want
TheresaScam: ok
TheresaScam: when will you be back
me later tonight
me and going now. bye

Cyber-baiting

OK - I know this is "off topic" but I thought it is worth posting.

Being a single chap, I occasionally dabble in online dating. Occasionally I am propositioned by some very, very eager young girl, who then casually drops into the conversation that she is in Nigeria. It is at this point that I "play along" and lead them a merry dance. The latest, Theresa sent me this:

"WATS UP TRIED SAVERAL TIMESTO EMAIL YOU BUT NEVER GOT ANY RESPONSE SO WAS KIND OF WONDERING WHAT COULD HAVE GONE WRONG?MY MOM IS STILL LAYING CRITICALLY THERE AT THE HOSPITAL WAITING TO BE OPERATED UPON,PLS IF YOU DONT HAVE ANY WAY OR MEANS TO SEND THE MONEY DOWN HERE CAN YOU WRITE OUT A CHECK TO MY FRINED IN LONDON?SHE IS WILLING TO HELP CASH IT AND SEND THE MONEY HERE FOR ME ASAP,,, I WILL BE EXPECTING YOUR REPLY ASAP.....PLS REPLY EVEN IF YOU CANT HELP JUST REPLY AND LET ME KNOW..OKAY? TERESA JONES"


Apparently her mother had a car accident and the doctors there suggested that unless Theresa can stump up the cash the leg will have to be removed. Oooh look - the Flying Pig Arrows just did a fly-past......

My job role

Last Friday I was looking for something on the shiny new Sharepoint system (it's a Microsoft thing for sharing documents) and found the person "who calls himself my manager" had created a "Roles and Definitions" document. Naturally I was amazed that he had NOT informed me of its existence but when I read it I found it departed from reality shortly after the third word. So, I asked him as below.

_____________________________________________
From: Me
Sent: 01 December 2006
To: Flakey
Subject: Sharepoint documentation

F,

I have been looking on sharepoint and found the Roles - Definitions document. I don't get the bit for "Minion" staff (below). Who are the integrators? Have things changed that Minions are required to do packaging now too. Packaging currently do this here.

1.1 "Minion" Engineer
The main responsibilities of the "Minion" Engineers are:
Updates SharePoint accurately and in timely fashion
Packages Applications to the required standards as per the Integrators instructions
Test as per the Integration document

Thanks,

Mike

His reply was:


"Thanks for the information. The item in question has been resolved and a newer version of the document uploaded to the sharepoint server.

Many Thanks

Flakey"

Toxic building syndrome

Nothing much is happening at the moment, so I thought I would share a little information about the place/building where I work.

From the outside it looks innocent enough, a manure-brown office building with 70s styling. On entering the foyer, the secretary (who has never seen me before) nods smiling as you blatantly pass the sign the demanding that I wear an official identity badge at all times and that I produce it for admittance. My ID badge is at home, but I have never had need of it, despite working on Government high secure solutions. My badge is my face, my face IS my badge.

There are 3 floors inside, each secured with swipe card access. I work on the first floor so have to pass through 2 secure doors. The people who installed the security system must have been Irish though, as an inch above each and every swipe unit is a little red box that says "Emergency door release" and "Break glass and push button". The clue is in the name. So, should anyone called Al Kinda, or indeed anyone nafarious decide to break into the building they will know how to overcome the security.

In reality the main function of these doors is to prevent someone holding a steaming hot cup of tea AND anything else from getting back to work, as they have no free hand to swipe entry.


Now, as Toxic is an IT company as you would expect there are lots of computers here. Unfortunately, as the building was built in the 70s it was not built for this purpose. So, in their wisdom, the managers decided to put ALL the racks of servers on the 1st floor and built a partition around them and put, yes, another swipe card lock on the door.

Now there are just two problems. Firstly, the projects needed so many servers (computers for men with beards) in the one room they exceeded the 2 tonne weight limit of the floor.
Other minor, minor point is that given the building was meant for office staff, the air conditioning, although upgraded a bit, failed during the sweltering summer so they had to resort to opening the windows and powering off the machines that were not being used. Oh, one more thing - if too many servers were switched on at any time the electrical power would trip out meaning everything would start self-shutdown.

(ED: oh look, my manager has just logged on at 4pm on a Monday. How nice of him to attend his computer).

To add to the planning demonstration of excellence, once the floor space was banned from more kit (or even people over 12 stone) they had to resort to putting two more racks of servers downstairs on the ground floor next to the project management team. Then, because they were secure solutions they had a gorilla cage fitted around each one. Shame they did not fit it around the Project Managers, but that is another story.

So, apart from the weight, the lack of cooling and the power issues everything was fine. Thankfully they have now lost both the contracts we were working on so we don't have to worry about those problems any more...

Shopping Tricks

I was doing my grocery shopping last night and I noticed some tricks that the Supermarkets and food manufacturers play on you.

Sugar

There is a product called Half-spoon sugar that proudly boasts "half the calories so you can eat twice as much". Well, err, duuhh. If you eat twice the amount of a slimming thing, you are going to get just as FAT as those who don't bother to try. Secondly the price was, how can I say, tipped.

Normal sugar Half-spoon
70p / kg 1.84 /kg

soooooo, eating twice as much means you finish it twice as quickly and you pay £1.14 more for the idea; i.e. you end up paying 4 x 70p because you use 2kg of "half-spoon" in the time you would use a "normal" pack.

Tip - compare prices and don't let marketing men TELL YOU how to eat it!!

Teabags

I saw a giant bag of Asda's own 400 teabags and thought that looks good, but there was a cheap own brand right next to it. Unfortunately for them I quickly worked out it was far more economical to buy the boxes of 80, completely contrary to instict of "big is cheaper". Buyer beware!

Brand Price (p) Quantity cost p/bag normalised (100 bags) Profit margin
Asda own 29 80 0.3625 36p -
Asda bulk 336 400 0.84 84p 48p 33%
PGTips 398 240 1.65 £1.65 £1.29 358%

Stationary Scrotum

Yes - a man who can't spell (see title) seems it think this was the place to keep his lewd video clip (from youTube no doubt) about a cleaner for male mechanics called Scrotum Scrub. Hilarious. Next!!!1

Sold down the river without a paddle

I joined a union called Amicus recently to have some back-up in my fight for justice. They send me little snippets because they are good at communicating, unlike Toxic.

"Members will know that Amicus has, for some time now, been engaging with Toxic at all levels on this subject. Only last Monday, 27 November, 2006, Amicus and the PCS unions met Toxic senior leaders ...it was doubly disappointing that the company failed even to inform Amicus that it was about to off-shore large sections of its UK HR administration..."

Poor HR. Sniff. They do soooo much for us.


NOT.

Lord of the Flies - by Alfred McAnus

Following my scenic trip around Toxania, the first thing I see upon entering the edifices of the front door is a new notice.

"The smoke treatment for the Cluster Flies will be taking place on Friday 1st December. Can all members of staff please ensure they have left the premises by 6pm....Please ensure that no food products are left out."

I was immediately tickled pink. Do the Cluster Flies know they are getting a treat? Do we need to form a team too? If so, I suggest the Huddled Hornets.

NB: I have also realised that these flies clearly know shit/evil when they see it. If there are in your office, get out whilst you can.

Lost

No, not the TV series. This is a little tale about getting to work. I travel about 30 miles to work, but the last bit there is one long straight road to the village where the office is. The council re-surfaced it not that long ago, but it seems they were not happy with that so have decided to go it all over again but this time to close the whole road. Fine, so you go around the corner. Err, nope. On Tuesday I tried following the diversion signs and it took me 30 mins to do what normally takes me 5 mins.

So, today I was prepared. I had already looked at my map and decided I would take a sharp right up a lane and come out a lot closer.

I drove up the lane, crossed under the railway - all good so far. I then saw a sign for Toxicania (where Toxic is) and thought great! I followed it took me through several small roundabouts and over the railway again...and brought me back out to the place where the road is closed!!!
I had gone in a circle.

I had no choice now but to try again but gathered I needed to turn off somewhere. I must have missed a turning. I got halfway and after passing under the railway found a place to stop and check the map. Right I was looking for Dog Lane. It should be 3rd on the left before the roundabout. I started off, 1....2...no 3 but a roundabout instead. I went around and double-back and then double-back again to park in the same lay-by. It MUST be there. It says here in black and white! It must be set back or I blinked. I will drive extra slow this time.

So I drive on. First left, 2nd no 3rd but a roundabout instead. I keep going and then I see it. Dog Lane!!! Hurrah. Thank goodness for that.

The rest of the journey was fine and I get to the office without problem in about 5 mins. I check the map again knowing now that there was an extra roundabout that is not marked on the map.
It turns out it is also missing 2 more roundabouts I found later on. Curious I thumb to the inside cover...printed 1990. Bugger. Maybe it's time I bought a new one then :S.

A picture paints a thousand words...

Overtime claim

Today I went to a Microsoft meeting in the morning about Vista. It was pretty good and sparked my fire for technology in way. It's stuff I want to be doing.

I got back and logged onto to Toxic to check my mail to see if Flakey had replied to me asking "am I going to get paid for the overtime I did". Last time he refused despite the guy who asked me assuring me it would be fine. So this time, it was against the grain, but I did it.

There was still no response from Flakey. I sent a "blood-hound" email to him to try and track him down - i.e. something on a different subject with a read receipt, so I could tell if you has even reading my emails. I had to resort to these lengths as he does not use his Outlook calendar, so no-one knows where the hell he is, unless he chooses to tell them. I'm only his minion - who do I need to know if he is on holiday, sick or out of the office...

Strangely, I suddenly get an out of office note from my second email. That's not possible as far as I know. It replies to just the first email from each person who happens to write in. So, I can only guess he turned it on AFTER getting my first email. I send a reminder attaching the original email asking to him. It's not subtle but I am running out of options.

I am feeling increasingly vexed now, so am sat debating the best way to proceed when I see a note pass by from him to accounts - please approve payment. Yooo-bloody-reeka!!!


He has finally done the decent thing. Why

Don't use AOL, ever!

It always amazes me why people ever use AOL. Let me explain why

1. First, they are expensive when you look at what you get,
2. Their software is buggy
3. Their software "contains you" in their "AOL capsule" so they can track every little thing you do.
4. Their service is populated by weirdos (mostly from the US)
5. Their customer service is really, really bad

Now don't just take my word for it. I can prove it to you quite easily. Here goes:

Cost

I am going to ignore their slowest connection for a moment and show you their tricks.
Here's the cost comparison for 8MB services for a year.

AOL Platinum 8Mb (FREE Wireless Router) £329.89 @£29.99 monthly, unlimited
Toucan 8Mb Unlimited Broadband & Free Weekend Calls £179.88 @ £14.99 monthly, unlimited
Virgin Bundle Plan Two £179.88, £14.99, unlimited
Virgin Plan Two £215.88, 1 month,£17.99, 6GB limit
BT Total Broadband - Option 1, £200.88, £17.99, 2GB limit
Tiscali Broadband 8Mb + Free Weekend Talk, £215.88, £17.99,unlimited

So, ummm, that's like about 30 companies offering the same thing for half price AOL charge, or put another way, it's in the top 10 of the most expensive suppliers/services you can get.
i.e. you can save up to £150 just by shopping around.

Their "bargain" 2MB service for 14.99 is a loss leader - they offer it as a lure that loses them a tiny amount of money because once you're in their grip they can rip you off later.

Think of it as a big fat worm - if you go for it, they want to reel you in and "upgrade you" to Platinum. Naturally, you will be tempted because you are already their customer. It's a dirty rotten trick.


Buggy

Oh yes!! Their software was the single-most common cause for "executive laptop crashes" during my two years as a laptop engineer. It's horrible. Uninstall it now, for the love of God.


Captive audience

In August 2006 they released a huge log file of their customer's activity for researchers. Unfortunately they ignored a recent law by the US to "remove customer identity from all records" for privacy. The log is floating around the internet and is just a big, big text file with names replaced by a number. However, taking a wild guess in my usual "cutting the crap" style, I imagine it reads something like this:

24534666 10:01 "ebay ceramic vases"
0010000 02:03 "cars for sale
24534666 11:21 "bomb making for idiots"
0010000 02:06 "sindy dolls, cheap"
0010000 02:07 "music for nuns"
24534666 11:23 "gay child porn"
24534666 11:26 "snuff videos and sex with dead people"

source: http://www.techcrunch.com/2006/08/06/aol-proudly-releases-massive-amounts-of-user-search-data/


Customer service

This is sadly a reflection of typical "customer service": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIVZ9b0RgmY

I can relate to this personally. I asked for a rebate from Orange this year owing to the fact that my mum was physically unable to use her mobile at all for over year, meaning she had paid £15 a month for nothing. My request for £50 as a gesture of good-will fell on the same deaf ears. No-one wanted to know.

Ironic, for a company that makes it's money out of people listening.

Why job agencies suck

In my email:


"Skills: A leading company, in the process of a Windows XP roll out, is looking to recruit three Hungarian speaking Rollout Engineers to be responsible for rolling out XP to the users. Applicants for this role must have very good technical knowledge of deploying Windows XP and providing support to users. Knowledge of Dell or HP/Compaq equipment would be ideal. Applicants should be fluent in English and Hungarian.
Location: Budapest
Start: 30/11/2006
Duration: 4 weeks
Rate: £100 per day
Agency: Jenrick CPI"


That's an annual salary equiv. £30K but for 1 month. i.e. complete rubbish.

21st Nov - Irony

Employee Recognition - as demonstrated in a Toxic training course on CD, consists of making people smile like they are on a toothpaste ad and clap like sea-lions.

Sadly, they fail to practise this trick and reward staff with, errr, more work...

Mo-tiv-ay-shun. Say it after me...motivation.

Yes, that's right boys and girls. If I want you to do something for me, perhaps something you would really, really rather not do, I need to offer you something in return. Like a sweety perhaps.

Toxic likes to give their staff something special. They give them the opportunity to "wear their own clothes" one day a week.

Let's all "Woooop" like a retard!!!!

Tues, 21st Nov Speaky de Eengleesh

You would think that an employee who is intelligent enough to be given a job working with complicated computer technology in business they would be able to tell the difference between "an unfair delibarate act" and a class of farm animal livestock, but apparently this is not the case. I found this snippet from a call logged in a spreadsheet (because Toxic LOVES spreadsheets).

"At this point IE (the group)were engaged for advice and it was decided as a test, to deploy early an imminent Java client update (v1.5) via radia to see if this allowed the application to open within IE (the browser)

We then fell fowl of the Radia client 843 issue and had to wait for that to be fixed."

You will also note the deft double-whammy use of both ambiguous acronyms (the bits in green) and the unfortunate malapropism.

Marvellous!

Tues, 21st Nov Now listen here!

I have no more work to do, so thought I would wade through the training CDs I have. The first one is "Improving your Listening Skills". How do you think they deliver the material?

a) text
b) audio voice-over
c) video with audio
d) the medium of mime
c) video with subtitles

Think hard now.



Yes, it was (a) - text only. For a listening skills course. How very super!!

Next week we will have a powerpoint slideshow on "Visual content for the very short-sighted"

Fri, 17th Nov - Emergency!!!

At Toxic they have a special ability of waiting until the last minute before deciding something is a problem. Worse still, they wait until no-one who knows about the piece of work is present and that it is soooo vital that people have to come in at the weekend to finish it. When Monday comes, it is then still urgent but takes several weeks or even months to arrive at the client.

Today is a prime example. Two people did some work on a security upgrade - let's call it Panther! Now they know all about it and know it inside out 'cos they are good at what they do. Before Panther has started to be tested Toxic decides to move the first person to a new project "Guns and Ammo" 10 miles away. Work starts getting ready to test Panther but the guy, TomTom, left working on it is a contractor (meaning he gets paid lots per hour, especially at weekends). He waits until Friday when the other man guy who worked on Panther and who wrote a special script is now in. He also waits until nearly lunchtime to mention his problem - some servers are not getting the info they need from the script. So TomTom asks me to have a look, but I need to eat first so go to lunch. (I'm odd like that - I have this strange need to eat...)

After lunch he realises that he needs to give me a copy of the script. It does help. So he then mentions that it works fine in the "virtual work-place" but not in the "very nearly the same but not quite work-place". So I realise that the script is fine and it's some difference between the two environments. I am however obliged to help, to make sure the script is not mis-behaving. I spend 3 hrs checking it, testing things and by 7pm (on a Friday) decide to tell the project manager my findings: it is only affecting two or three machines so you can start testing everything whilst we get to the bottom of the mystery. He accepts that but still requires me to come in at the weekend to solve the problem because Panther is really, really urgent and this is an emergency.

Later that evening after a pint of ale, my grey cells twinkle and I realise the error. There is nothing wrong with the script. It is something called DNS that is missing in the pre-testing environment which means that TomTom has not put a magic word somewhere making the script fail. A kind of lazy sabotage, the result of which meaning that TomTom has to work on the weekend and claim extra pay...

It also means Toxic have to pay me extra too which may be a lot easier said than done. Watch this space for the result!

Thurs, 16th Nov - Surprise!!!!

I get an email from an admin girl up in Derby asking me to tell her when my laptop arrives. What laptop??? I read the thread. Apparently my boss has chosen not to mention it to me and just asked her if she a anything in stock. Sadly, the only thing available was a brand spanking new model, of exactly the spec that I asked for here:

"Flakey,

I am struggling badly with the temporary laptop I acquired after my original laptop and its HD died as I previously mentioned to you. I therefore formally request a new machine of sufficient technical spec for a developer. The current D620 laptop range is unfit for use - a point highlighted my the instantaneous failure of my machine, after only 2 years use. We tend to push the limits of hardware as it is. The failure of my machine has meant the loss of Barclays archived work and my email history for the last 2 years owing to the lack of any backup policy. It is only my foresight in backing up the previous ProjectXrelease that this was not catastrophic in losing everything.


Requirements

Looking at what is available, one of the following machines is essential to do my job:

developer workstation - P690/01
or
high-end notebook - D820

ref: http://www.infocentre.emea.eds.com/nlapps/docs/default.asp?fid=1010

Business justification - work on ProjectX requires testing builds on multiple hardware platforms. This requires using VMWare images for each model, and is extremely hardware intensive. 2GB RAM and fast processor are a basic requirement. A DVD RW is also mandatory to burn the master images for distribution.

Risks: not having the hardware means delivery of work will slow significantly, deadlines will fail and work productivity will suffer severely."

Yes, a brand new laptop with a BAG!!! Wowwww. It has only taken Toxic 9 years to give me a new machine, rather than a hand-me-down. The Ambassador is really spoiling us...

Fri, 17th Nov - SuperJargon

I got an email today. Not exactly earth-shattering news is it. This was special though, as it was an "InfoBlast". This is a new thing for Toxic. It's an email with links to an article on their intranet. I followed the first link, although the audience was not me.

This is what it said:

Update

Lean Six Sigma (LSS) Standards related to previous releases have now been updated and can be found either by navigating through the Toxic webiste or by going directly to the "webpage".

On the LSS Standards page, the user will find a downloadable Excel spreadsheet attachment at the bottom. This Excel spreadsheet contains not only standards published in prior Releases 1 and 2, but also those updated in Release 3. These updates will contain a "3" in the Release Update # column, with detail on what was updated, as well as the reason, in the "Reason for Update" column.



Resources in charge of LSS standards at the hubs and BPO EMEA can contact the Lean Six Sigma Capability SPOCs for BPO Standards, Mickey or Donald, if you have any questions. "

It was at this very point that the de-bullshitting translator machine broke. Steam spewed out of the vents and the air was filled with the acrid smell of burnt sem-conductor.

The problem that followed is that the email to the link went to the web page above which had more links to page with another fews links that opened a spreadsheet that had some MORE links on. Are you getting the idea yet??

I would hate to be the child of one of these people. Imagine their birthday present. They get given a little bag and inside the bag is note telling them to go the cupboard. They open the cupboard and they see a note on a drawer - so they open the drawer to find an envelope. They open the envelope to find a note that tells them to go to another cupboard. They get there and open it to find a sign telling them to open a door. Inside the door is a box, and in the box is a matchbox. Inside is a coin with another little note. The note says "ring this number". They go to a payphone and ring the number..."Your call is important to us, you are in a queue. The current waiting time is 364 days, 23 hrs. Press 1 to speak to your father, 2 to speak to your mother or 9 to hear the options again..."

Is it me?

Thurs - Fri, 10th Nov On a Mission

• Integrity
• Decency
• Commitment
• Professionalism

Those are the mission statements of a company that invited me to interview. The job itself sounded ideal and was local. The trouble was, the wanted to interview me 200 miles North in a place called Wetherby, Leeds, Yorkshire. I was not going to bother going until I read their mission statement and that they were on the Times 100 "Best Companies" list.

So, I decided to make the effort...

Wed, Nov 8th -

Milk

In follow up to yesterday's discovery of the catering milk, I did some forensic investigation into the substance formely known as "milk". It appears on the box to be "semi-skimmed milk with fat from non-milk sources". This is just surreal now, without even bothering to know what is in it. So what they are saying is, they take some full fat milk, get the fat out of it and then add fat back in as long as it does not come from cow's milk???

My forensics revealed it is a cocktail of: semi-skimmed milk, emulsifiers, fat, salts and carrot-based colouring. Oh and the nastiest fat you can ingest, transfat (aka homogenised), so that you can keep it for up to 14 months and not use it till an emergency.

Good to know eh...

TUPE, TUPE Tooooo

You will be pleased to know that my efforts to discover what my job is going to be next year and with whom, continues. Today I mailed the "exit manager" asking him where their newsletter that was due Oct 16th is. His reply was:

"Mike,

I have not received the latest Bulletin, X has written it and is awaiting Jane Doe and John Doe's approval prior to release. As always, I will forward to all staff based in Toxic Town once I have been given any information.

However, I don't believe this will effect you personally, as you are not ProjectX engaged. But I will continue the information flow as it comes to me.

Regards"

Which is ironic owing to the fact that he has chosen to stay mute when the "Bulletin" did not arrive on time, rather than tell everyone "it's late, sorry". I call that a communication failure.

What I find highly amusing though is the last sentence. Passed through the anti-bullshit translator it says: "you're not working on the project, sod off - I'll tell you when I know anything."

Sadly for him I am very much working on ProjectX and have been for 2.5 years. But then he is not to know that. He is only the bloke in charge of organising the handover of staff knowledge, contracts and materials related to ProjectX. I should correct before he makes a fool of himself....oh shit, too late...

Tues, Nov 7th - the plot thickens

Urgent, urgent

You know that urgent priority 1 piece of work that I got dragged into yesterday (where priority 1 means that the whole system is down and no-one can do any work whatsoever)?? Well, it's been going since June (or maybe even Jan). Oh, and the document that I updated which was in the "final" folder was an old version. It wasn't final. No, no. The correct version (1.1a) was elsewhere in another team's folder. I knew who had it because Toxic staff have a "3rd eye" fitted as part of initiation contract.

Is it me?



Privacy



Jargon

Okay, now you will already know and accept that IT takes the biscuit when it comes to jargon and acronyms. Well, Toxic takes things to a whole new low. Here's a little snippet for you:

"As an endeavour to quell the duplication of effort and raise awareness of re-useable works, both the Common Wheeled Barrow* (CWB) and the Potato Mashing Licker* (PML) for Thingyummy has been added to the Thingummy Support Site. [ed: note capitals]

Each month, both the CWB and PML registers will be updated to show what is available within the latest release. When a published module is updated, it will automatically be reassigned to the latest release.

In addition, a planning section has been added to the Module Release Register to allow users of the site to request new modules. This further enables the CWB Governance board (CGB) to assess what is required, when and who is available or working on a given module.

This new feature, re-enforces the essence of collaborative working."

Hard to read? About as meaningful as a bag of nails in a bakery? Yep, me too and I work here. Now, I don't care about what it means. I merely want to draw your attention to the supreme use of acronyms - the CGB. Can you spot their genius. Yes folks, they have made a new acronym from another one...unless it is a deliberate mistake? Is it CWBGB or CGB? You tell me, 'cos I've given up.


That's not milk!!!

I like tea. I like it so much I drink it every day about 4 or 5 times. At Toxic they provide coffee and tea making facilities. For tea you can either get it from the machine or make your own. Now as the former tastes like muddy rainwater, I prefer the manual method.

I have been bemused for some time at the tiny little pots of catering "milk" they provide. I have mused to myself that it is lactated from a farm of employees (male and female) and squirted into these little pots, rather akin to the ways ants milk aphids.

This morning, in a pique of curiousity I looked at the list of ingredients. I am not happy, not happy at all. The product, made by "Country Dale" is marked "use in place of milk" which says it all really. The ingredients are:

skimmed milk
water
hydrogenated oil
glucose syrup
caseinate
E471
E481
E435
E340
E331
E160a

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Mon, Nov 6th - We're still quality

Here's a little email that management sent to everyone about quality, with the bullshit translator switched to Max

Background

In Q2 2006 Toxic UK changed ISO 9001:2000 certification bodies to come in line with Engineering communities within Toxic. The new auditing company Toxic deals with is ABC. ABC have already conducted one audit on staff working on the X account. New Certificates are being put together over the next week or so and will be sent out once they have been received by the Management Team.
[someone finally realised that Toxic had a quality "standard" for every department. The previous auditor gave up, so there's a new one now]


Scope
All UK resources [that's people or staff to you readers out there], regardless of the capability they work for, will be classified as 'In Scope' of this audit round. The plan for this audit round is as follows:

bla de bla

A list of names has already been submitted to the auditor, however the auditor is able to change that list as he sees fit, although he will try to stick with the schedule as best he can. The auditor may also wish to speak to members of staff on other sites and decide to conduct a teleconference and net meeting / webby. All staff will be kept informed of the progress of the audit activities and if you require further information please contact your manager or the Quality Management Team using the group mailbox address below.
[Everyone is available so this auditor bloke is given a list of people to speak to, but he can chuck that away and pick anyone he likes really, so, err, we dunno why we bothered, but anyway if you have any questions ask us.]

Useful Links
bla de bla bla

All staff working on the above sites should keep a clean desk policy and remain professional throughout the day that the auditor is on site. Remember you are all ambassadors for Toxic. If the auditor asks you a question, all we ask is that you answer it truthfully. If you do not know the answer then point him to someone who can assist (e.g. Team leader).
[everyone should hide all their paperwork. Your are all ambassadors, bribe the auditor with Ferroro Roche - if you haven't got any, balance some small bits of cat poo on a paper cup-cake]

All staff members who have been identified for the audit will receive an additional email regarding times of the audits and extra assistance before the audit.
[anyone on our will be told what to say and trained so it looks like everyone knows what they are doing]

Mon, Nov 6th - Emergency

Monday morning I wake with a headache after a somewhat restless night. I decide to work from and get a piece of work out of the way, so I can relax. I start early with the obligatory cup of tea, and soon have 8 parallel copies updating the "server" (PC in the corner), whilst downloading a huge file from the internet. Since this laptop is under-specced, it is running at almost full capacity. I seem to have a knack of pushing machines to their limit.

I don't really want to disturb everything so am sat wondering what I can use the time for whilst it is busy (probably taking 2 hours), when my team pops up on MSN. I have a brief chat and then an email comes in. They want someone to pick up a bit of work to clarify some documentation. Sounds fine, so I casually ask how urgent is this, given my machine is tied up. The reply is:


I really need someone to look at this as soon as possible as X need the rework actioned before they can progress with their testing. Also the guys worked all weekend on this as there is a live issue with Antivirus v1.0 so they want us to get Antivirus v3.0 out urgently to address the live issue.

Currently this is our no 1 priority.

Okkkaaayyyy. So it's about 11am and you're coming to tell our team now that there's an issue and people have "worked all weekend on", and you didn't mention this last week or ask if the bloke who DID the work on this was free next week....

There is no-one else to look at it except me, so I have a look. Of course, I am coming at this green so have to dig around first to figure out the solution. I finally update the documentation and tell them I've done it. Then they tell me there's another document to update too. Arrggggg!!

I reply and kindly ask next time for a piece of work that ISN'T priority 1.

Oct 2nd, I'm taking the ITIL course here boss

A little tITIL-ation

Now many of you out there (ok, that's both of you) reading this may think I am being overly harsh. How do I know the ITIL course is pointless. ITIL is, after all, a significant and valued standard within business. (Please don't ask what the acronym means - I don't know). It really does help businesses get their act together and work more efficiently.

However, I know Toxic having worked there 9 years (yes, it's 5 years too long but that's another story altogether). They have mastered the skill of replacing "full" with "less" - useful becomes useless. It's time to SHOW you what I mean.

The email without the instructions on how to find or take the course had a clue. I went on the intranet and looked around the menu system for something that said training. I could not find it, so I resorted to the search feature. Well, that worked. I click on the link and go to something called "myworklifeToxic.com". On here is a summary of what courses you have enrolled in, and a catalogue of courses that you can look through and choose. Sounds good doesn't it. They even have a menu option for career analysis. This is what you get when you click on it:




coming soon to a job near you...







Booking the ITIL course

So, on to the ITIL thing. I look for the course title and I can't find it. I resort to searching for "ITIL" and get a page of results. OK. Just one problem now. The two numbers I need are 10001 and 10007 and the list shows 10002 to 10013 with 07 conscipuous by it's absence. Bloody typical.

I go back and then notice the results of the search has 5 pages to it. I click through and eventually find the two offending courses hiding like cowering lambs on the 3rd page. Great.

It has taken me about an hour of faffing about to find the 2 courses.

I register for them both and then click on "take course". This takes me to a new page with a list of courses I can launch. The ITIL courses are not there!!! I go back and repeat. Nothing. I click help and check that I am doing it right and I am.

Sooooo, I've found the courses, registered for them but now can't find any way to launch them. I go to lunch instead.

I'm in - the tITIL-ation continues

The logical choices don't work. This is getting beyond silly now. In desparation I email the woman who had emailed Toxic telling him his staff were not complying in taking this ITIL course. Unbelievable as it may seem, since she is asking people to take these course, she can't tell me and gives me the address of the training helpdesk webpage. I go there. It's got a phone number, great!! I dial and get a bad tone. I redial slower and careful this time. Same thing. It's a dead number. Double-bugger. I resort to logging a call to the helpdesk asking "where are 01 and 07". I get a mercifuly quick response (within 40 mins) with a link to the site where I can launch the damn courses. I get the OLD training website, that has the same catalogue and list of enrolled courses but it all works, unlike the fancy looking but flawed "myworklife" site. I finally launch the ITIL course, after a day of struggling.


I am presented with this as the first screen (the real company name replaced here) and it looks suitable corporate if slightly bemusing; why IS that man holding a duck?

I soon find out.....





Page 2 has a full 2 minute animation of more ducks dancing around the floor to form a conga, before twirling round some 3D glossy letters. Wow...I'm really learning the core of ITIL here. Unfortunately it's home time by now, so I resolve to continue at home.

Once at home, I continue clicking through the slides. I am really learning a lot here. I learn that you need lego bricks...and some ducks with hard-hats.

This is ground-breaking stuff. At this point you might be thinking "oooh, he's a harsh man that Dr". Well to test my knowledge of the subject the course finishes with a quiz. Are you ready?

Hmmm, now which one can it be? What IS an IT asset??

and then by further explanation we're told what is NOT an asset, complete with a picture for those who might not have seen a desk before.

This is the final slide which is a fill in the blanks question. Can you spot my deliberate mistakes??

Thurs, Nov 2nd - Reaction to my complaint

Flakey responds to my questions with 2 orders by email:

• "there's a machine running SQL that has a weak password - fix it - love the security audit man"
• "do this pointless ITIL course or else"

a brief enquiry reveals that a machine one of my staff is using (oooh I sound important now) is using SQL and it has no password set. So that's fixed in a trice.

The other task reveals rather a lot about my boss Flakey. He sends me a mail telling me and 2 others to do a certain ITIL course. The mail contains the course names and an attachment from from the person telling him to tell us that has the following:

employee name, userid, country, manager, email and region.

Yes, that's pretty much everything someone needs to steal 2500 people's identity - including the women if you can speak in a high-pitched voice like I can. Worse, given the Toxic forces people to use a maximum of 8 characters in their passwords, it's childs-play to crack their account. I do not condone such actions at all. I merely pointing out the possibility, given such a gift.

Thurs, Nov 2nd - And now for a work meeting....

Last week I had an invite to a meeting from Flakey using the web as a "meeting place". There was no agenda given and no subject other than "subproject update". In short I had no idea what on earth it was about. It was at 09:30 today.

I rushed in, got to my desk with but 2 minutes to spare and opened the web-page to join the meeting. It wanted a password. I checked the email. I re-checked the email. I read it through 3 times. There was no password mentioned. There was a phone number though. Right, I'll try that.

I dialled entered the meeting ID and got asked for a password....

I put the phone handseet down with a sharp crack. Bloody typical. I was about to give up and get a cup of tea instead when a new email pops up 6 minutes after the start. The password is "1234".

I go back to webpage expecting to see a remote slideshow or some new fan-dangled online thing. Here it is:

Yes folks, that's it. Absolutely nothing was there except the names and phone numbers (blacked out to protect identity) and nowt else.

So I rang the number again and put the password in and listen.

It is a meeting about work that everyone else is doing. The stuff I am working on is not on their list (as I later find it on another webpage). Unfortunately they only booked 30 mins and quickly run out of time and are about half-way through.
Flakey decides to call it a day and extend the meeting next time. Oh, and he mentions that he will have to learn how to work the meeting place too.

So there you have it. A typical toxic meeting. It's arranged, they forget to include the password, start late, run out of time and then admit they don't know how to use the meeting tool that they chose to use. Marvellous.

A new spat

It seems that Flakey is being a little awkward with me. Following several emails that he has left unanswered he finally replies to one that involves Toxic making money from my hours.

Note: bits in italics have been added to protect the identity and systems that Toxic uses.


me: "the time-keeping thingy" is refusing to accept absence codes for either sickness (0200) or medical appointments (0230). I was off, as I have already noted with you, on Thurs 19th and Fri 20th Oct.

I also had to attend a medical appointment yesterday at 3pm for 1 hour.

received the reply

Flakey: Thurs and Friday details were already logged in SAP. And I have entered your medical appointment for yesterday with ease.

Finding this both curt and sarcastic (implying I am either stupid or a liar), I sent this:


Part 1
I was expecting to see the codes 200 and 230 in the "silly codes" section hence my question, so I tried to enter them whilst trying to book the medical from yesterday. In each case "the time-keeping software" responded with "your manager needs to do this for you" - so I told you.

As for your second sentence, I don't expect to come to work and leave feeling abused and hurt by what I can only describe as sarcastic comments (with ease). You seem to be angry with me, but I have absolutely no idea why. I am not aware of doing anything wrong. I really would like to know what I have or haven't done that makes you behave in the way you are.


Part 2
With regards my recent email to staff, I was only taking personal initiative to gauge the feelings of the people I work with. It was certainly not meant as inflammatory or intended to cause offence. The first paragraph was simply meant to lighten the mood of a serious topic. If anyone did take offence, it suggests to me a certain feeling of guilt on their part. I feel that someone resorting to indirect anger by calling me 'shop-steward' through you is immature behaviour.

What I want is clear concise communication with regards to the future of the staff at "work's" employment on "lost projectx". I feel there has been a failure of communication and I am seeking to put it right, ensuring staff are as happy as they can be given the circumstances.

regards,

Me

Mon, Oct 30th - Slapped wrists

My little quiz appears to have ruffled some feathers. My boss, Flaky mails me to say:

"Me

Please ensure all future communications in regards to ProjectX separation and TUPE are forwarded to Ginola directly.

I do not expect or warrant a repeat of your previous email to the "guys and galls" in Fleet.
In addition can you answer the question "Who made Mike the shop steward for the account"..and is answered directly to myself only. "


Note the blue bit is caused by copying and pasting from someone else's email. Someone who is supplying bullets for Flaky to fire at me...

Mon, Oct 30th, TUPE part 2 - a little staff vote

My email:

Guys and gals,

A moment of your time please. As most of you will have noticed I have stepped back into the fray of this good ship, the SS Titanic, from a 3 month sabbatical touring the US with Paris Hilton (ahem) and have returned to find my employers have lost the only other contract Fleet are working on so hard. On reading through the backlog of emails regarding it, I felt none the wiser as to the future of my job, so yesterday I asked some questions. This prompted the exit manager, Ginola, to say what he said all of a sudden - which was, errr, "I know nothing, get back to the oars".


Before I go further read this. These are you rights, in Law.

Rights to consultation
Your employer must consult the representatives of the workforce about the transfer. This will either be with trade union officials (if you have a union) or employee representatives who are usually elected by the workforce.
You must be told:

• when and why a transfer of business is happening
• what the impact on employees will be
• whether any measures like reorganisation will be taken, and how they’ll affect you
  The information must be given in good time and the consultation must be carried out with the aim of coming to an agreement. If any reorganisation is planned, your representative can put forward your views. Your employer must reply to these and say why if they reject them.
• Your representative can complain to an Employment Tribunal if the employer fails to inform and consult. The complaint should succeed unless there were exceptional circumstances preventing your employer from informing and consulting (for example, events outside their control).

Source ref


OK. I now want feedback from everyone on the following


Quality Quiz

Q1: Are you happy with the communications you have received so far? Yes, No



Q2: Is the communication clear and succinct?



Q3: If not, do you just want basic answers?



Q4: Are you happy and secure in your job?



Q5: Are you at all concerned about being "judged" as not "in-scope" in some unilateral decision

INFO: Back Door 2 - The Revenge

"With effect from 08:00 hours the back door currently in use an entrance to the building will have its' use restricted.

Between 08:00 and 18:00 normal access and egress to the building will be via the front entrance door....bla...guard outside these hours...bla, bla...between the hours of 08:00 and 18:00 hours the rear doors will be alarmed and will be for normal fire exit operation only.

We regret having to take this step but the rear doors were only designed to operate as a fire exit and their constant use is causing undue wear and tear on the doors."


Unofficially of course the plot thickens. The door in question is used for weekend access. I was shown the procedure to lock/unlock them recently...it involved ramming a screw-driver underneath the door and frame to prevent it closing fully and setting the alarm off unneccesarily.

I am impressed at the author's English though. Egress eh! I like it.

INFO: Car park that conversation

Ohhh woe is me. Woe is the burden of such unbearable sufferings as these, that my heart doth pulleth the corners of my mouth downwards, woe, woe and thrice woe...a letter such as this doth upset me so.

Yes, we have a notice

Parking bays

Please ensure you park properly ensuring that your car is between the two white lines that denote a single bay and that it is not at a crooked angle within the bay.

On recent visits to sites I note numerous bays rendered unusable by bad parking. Toxic does not wish to pay someone to police the parking habits of its employees, as this is an avoidable cost.

Love Mr Big Cheese
Director Real Estate

Wed, Oct 25th - Bankers, all of 'em

Having succumbed to local germs, on Wednesday I worked from home to avoid contaminating others. It was a jolly good thing I did as early in the afternoon the land-line rang. I answered to be confronted by the fraud department of my bank.

her:"Have you book any train tickets for travel in Eastern Europe sir"
me:"no"
her: "Have you booked a foriegn holiday"
me: "no"
her: "I am afraid Mr T your bank card details have been compromised and you need to destroy the card immediately. What this also means is that you cannot use it to withdraw any money or pay for anything until we get a new one sent out to you sir"

The pleasant lady then explained that someone at one of the many places I shop online (or not) has sold my card details to a criminal. I accepted her explanation as I was a little shocked.

After I hung up, my brain stirred and the cogs whirred. Hold on a minute!!! I've been banking with TSB for 15 years and have been dealing with the same companies all that time. When I do anything online, it is encrypted and no readable by people. That leaves only people I have paid over the counter or read my number to over the phone.

Now I know only 1 company I have had to read my number to, so that leaves only 3 real possibilities: a local shopping "skimming" the card, it was an allegedly inside job or the alleged bank's own sloppiness is disposing of account paperwork.

Speaking to a work friend, it turns out that he banks with the same company, and the same thing has happened to him twice.

The bank's name is the Alliance and Leicester. Ironically, this year I have moved my current account, savings and mortgage (yep, that's all the money I have) to this very company. Suffice to say I will be watching my statements like a hawk from now on. So much for the "it's really, really secure, honest Guv" Chip and Pin.

Some related links:
BBC, MSN, CardWatch (UK), BillPay (oooh, the irony, is from Alliance and Leicester).