Mon, Oct 30th - Slapped wrists

My little quiz appears to have ruffled some feathers. My boss, Flaky mails me to say:

"Me

Please ensure all future communications in regards to ProjectX separation and TUPE are forwarded to Ginola directly.

I do not expect or warrant a repeat of your previous email to the "guys and galls" in Fleet.
In addition can you answer the question "Who made Mike the shop steward for the account"..and is answered directly to myself only. "


Note the blue bit is caused by copying and pasting from someone else's email. Someone who is supplying bullets for Flaky to fire at me...

Mon, Oct 30th, TUPE part 2 - a little staff vote

My email:

Guys and gals,

A moment of your time please. As most of you will have noticed I have stepped back into the fray of this good ship, the SS Titanic, from a 3 month sabbatical touring the US with Paris Hilton (ahem) and have returned to find my employers have lost the only other contract Fleet are working on so hard. On reading through the backlog of emails regarding it, I felt none the wiser as to the future of my job, so yesterday I asked some questions. This prompted the exit manager, Ginola, to say what he said all of a sudden - which was, errr, "I know nothing, get back to the oars".


Before I go further read this. These are you rights, in Law.

Rights to consultation
Your employer must consult the representatives of the workforce about the transfer. This will either be with trade union officials (if you have a union) or employee representatives who are usually elected by the workforce.
You must be told:

• when and why a transfer of business is happening
• what the impact on employees will be
• whether any measures like reorganisation will be taken, and how they’ll affect you
  The information must be given in good time and the consultation must be carried out with the aim of coming to an agreement. If any reorganisation is planned, your representative can put forward your views. Your employer must reply to these and say why if they reject them.
• Your representative can complain to an Employment Tribunal if the employer fails to inform and consult. The complaint should succeed unless there were exceptional circumstances preventing your employer from informing and consulting (for example, events outside their control).

Source ref


OK. I now want feedback from everyone on the following


Quality Quiz

Q1: Are you happy with the communications you have received so far? Yes, No



Q2: Is the communication clear and succinct?



Q3: If not, do you just want basic answers?



Q4: Are you happy and secure in your job?



Q5: Are you at all concerned about being "judged" as not "in-scope" in some unilateral decision

INFO: Back Door 2 - The Revenge

"With effect from 08:00 hours the back door currently in use an entrance to the building will have its' use restricted.

Between 08:00 and 18:00 normal access and egress to the building will be via the front entrance door....bla...guard outside these hours...bla, bla...between the hours of 08:00 and 18:00 hours the rear doors will be alarmed and will be for normal fire exit operation only.

We regret having to take this step but the rear doors were only designed to operate as a fire exit and their constant use is causing undue wear and tear on the doors."


Unofficially of course the plot thickens. The door in question is used for weekend access. I was shown the procedure to lock/unlock them recently...it involved ramming a screw-driver underneath the door and frame to prevent it closing fully and setting the alarm off unneccesarily.

I am impressed at the author's English though. Egress eh! I like it.

INFO: Car park that conversation

Ohhh woe is me. Woe is the burden of such unbearable sufferings as these, that my heart doth pulleth the corners of my mouth downwards, woe, woe and thrice woe...a letter such as this doth upset me so.

Yes, we have a notice

Parking bays

Please ensure you park properly ensuring that your car is between the two white lines that denote a single bay and that it is not at a crooked angle within the bay.

On recent visits to sites I note numerous bays rendered unusable by bad parking. Toxic does not wish to pay someone to police the parking habits of its employees, as this is an avoidable cost.

Love Mr Big Cheese
Director Real Estate

Wed, Oct 25th - Bankers, all of 'em

Having succumbed to local germs, on Wednesday I worked from home to avoid contaminating others. It was a jolly good thing I did as early in the afternoon the land-line rang. I answered to be confronted by the fraud department of my bank.

her:"Have you book any train tickets for travel in Eastern Europe sir"
me:"no"
her: "Have you booked a foriegn holiday"
me: "no"
her: "I am afraid Mr T your bank card details have been compromised and you need to destroy the card immediately. What this also means is that you cannot use it to withdraw any money or pay for anything until we get a new one sent out to you sir"

The pleasant lady then explained that someone at one of the many places I shop online (or not) has sold my card details to a criminal. I accepted her explanation as I was a little shocked.

After I hung up, my brain stirred and the cogs whirred. Hold on a minute!!! I've been banking with TSB for 15 years and have been dealing with the same companies all that time. When I do anything online, it is encrypted and no readable by people. That leaves only people I have paid over the counter or read my number to over the phone.

Now I know only 1 company I have had to read my number to, so that leaves only 3 real possibilities: a local shopping "skimming" the card, it was an allegedly inside job or the alleged bank's own sloppiness is disposing of account paperwork.

Speaking to a work friend, it turns out that he banks with the same company, and the same thing has happened to him twice.

The bank's name is the Alliance and Leicester. Ironically, this year I have moved my current account, savings and mortgage (yep, that's all the money I have) to this very company. Suffice to say I will be watching my statements like a hawk from now on. So much for the "it's really, really secure, honest Guv" Chip and Pin.

Some related links:
BBC, MSN, CardWatch (UK), BillPay (oooh, the irony, is from Alliance and Leicester).

Fri, Oct 29th - TUPE response

After my questions, I had not one but two managers reply, A and B. Editorial comments in green, for those not skilled in the art of Bullshitese.

Reply from A (Ginola):

Guys,

Firstly, let me state my apologies on not getting information to you sooner. But the reasoning will become clear.
[Sorry]

I've attended a number of meetings recently surrounding EXIT strategy and various handover activities. The message is constant throughout, A and B aren't in a position to release their transition plans and won't be until around early December. With that in mind, we don't know when the engineering effort will begin to transfer, we also don't know the various TUPE considerations at this point.
[I'm important and have been to meetings where nothing was decided or done.]

I'm sorry this isn't what you want to hear, and I can't give you a concise plan. All I can say is that the planning activity is going on, and we are required to deliver to the DCA for the foreseeable future and into next year.
[Sorry. Get back to work or I'll replaced you all with robots]

I can only apologise on behalf of the 3rd parties involved here, but please be assured I'm doing all I can, as are the Toxis EXIT team, to find out the information and keep you informed. We still have a programme of work to deliver to, and I thank you for continuing to do so. The quality of our work and 'your' attitude to the job in hand has, as always be fantastic.
[Sorry. I'll go to more meetings. Get back to work. Mumble, mumble some incoherent load of cock]

If you have any questions, or want a chat I'm onsite today and tomorrow. Feel free.


Thanks again,
Exit man
Hair highlights by Maurice
----
Reply B:

Q1:" I am feeling rather anxious that no-one is being forth-coming with any information at all, and people are resorting to rumour, gossip and private meetings.
A: We have already provided 2 x briefings since the announcement and a further briefing is being developed as we speak (for review and sign-off when X returns from leave next week).

Q2: Who is deciding which members of staff are in or out of scope?
A2:The process is defined in the communication bulletin specifically developed to cover "In Scope queries" issued to staff in June. Essentially the Account Mgt team are working with Capability/Project Team leads to agree outlooks. The process for defining the in scope population is largely mechanical in that staff working >50% of an FTE at the point of transition are considered in scope.
[errr - I asked who]

Q3: What criteria are they using to judge whether a person is "in-scope" or not.

A3: See above.
[anyone full-time who spends most (>50%) of their time with the customer]

Q4:What date is the in-scope list going to be made public (to Staff who it directly affects)
A4: We had planned to issue the list by now - however, the in scope population is almost entirely driven by the transition dates and unfortunately these are nowhere near being certain. A and B have started to align their plans but the output of this exercise shows that transition wouldn't be compete before end September 07.
This doesn't appear to be acceptable to the 'customer' so they are re-planning at the highest milestone level. The plans are unlikely to be anywhere near agreed before the end of November and we have agreed with the 'customer' that we wont be providing an in scope list until the Plans are agreed (this approach was clearly defined in the last briefing). We will publish the list as soon as we have a sensible one - it isn't sensible to publish a draft list now because we aren't outlooking to end September (we have only just started to think about cost outlooks to Mar 07). My feeling is that this should be sometime in December following detailed planning (though planning is already a week late).
[December? but fuck knows really]

Q5: What date is Toxic handing over work
A5: See above - their current high level plan shows transition at the end of March 07 but this hasn't been validated.
[oh, I'll contradict myself in my next breath, but I'm still just guessing]

Q6: Why are some people being asked to work beyond the "drop-dead" date.
A6: ...we have a contract with the 'customer' that we have to honour - we can't just walk away because people don't want to be in scope.
[missed the point he did]

Q7:Are A coming to "the office" to give a presentation and if so, when
A7: There will be presentations to all staff. We have met with A and B once w/c 16th October and a further meeting is planned for 3/11 to start to define the communication plan going forward.
[we're having a meeting but you're not invited]


Q8: I also feel angry that the future of peoples' livelihoods is being treated with such apparent indifference. I simply do not understand what the apparent shroud of secrecy is about. Staff deserve to know what is happening with their own jobs, specifically
A8: I don't agree with this - we are sharing information with staff as quickly as we can. Is this person reading the material that is being sent out/attending the briefings?. Future dates and planned activities (e.g. publishing the In Scope List) are always subject to change and many are outside our control.
[We are sharing...but it's out of our hands. We're not responsible. Blame them, blame them.]

Q9: What do I do if someone decides I am not in scope?
A9: Find another job in Toxic when your current assignment ends.
[oh nice. I find a new job in the company I aleady work for]

Q10: If I am not in scope, where am I going to work in Toxic?
A10: I can't answer this - typically it is up to an individual to find a position once their current position has finished. In the ADU we use "crappy tool" but not sure what the process is in ITO.
[I don't know]

Q11: Am I able to get redundancy?
A11: Presumably redundancy means Voluntary Redundancy on terms rather than Compulsory. This is subject to a whole range of variables. If not in scope then this is subject to the Company running a general redundancy package at a specific time. HR should be able to advise on this.
[I don't know]

Day 8 - Too Deep

Friday, October 27th

On Wed I had a secret mission. It was to go to a competitor of Toxic for a job interview. It turned out to be a very informal setting, but with probing technical questions. There were 3 people - 2 techies and a manager. The manager started by explaining what the business was about and then handed over to a techy.

At this point I put my foot in it and offered to answer a topic that I am not terribly good on, GPOs. It was a very basic question and I should know, but it tends to be one of those things that doesn't stick, so I had to admit I could not remember. They followed with "policy blocking" (skip this if you're starting to feel sleepy) and I tried but again was on shaky ground.

The 2nd techy then took over and was very gentle with his questions and seemed to be helping me, giving big hints. I knew the answers, but am admitedly rusty for personal reasons, but got there in the end.

Finally the manager ended with that old chestnut, strengths and weaknesses. Again, I said something that went down like a lead balloon at first glance, but they seemed to turn it into a positive. (I said networking, and they added Cisco to the sentence).

I left extremely hopeful that 3 ex-acquaintance colleagues who worked there had more influence than my poor performance.

And then I waited for the result by phone. And I waited. and waited. and waited.
No-one rang. I guessed the outcome.

I rang them and was told "I'm afraid it's a no this time. They felt your knowledge was very deep but they wanted more of an all-rounder".

...I wasn't aware they wanted me to play cricket as well. Note to self: be shallow next time

Day 7 - TUPE or not TUPE

Thursday, Oct 26th

My return to my place of work has been complicated by the only contract/project I was working on has been given to another supplier - i.e. Toxic screwed up once (well, lots) too many. The good news is UK law means something called TUPE (pronounced two-pee) applies, which means staff from the "losers" can jump across to the "winners" on the equivalent terms and conditions.

Given I have missed out the last 3 months, I was out of the loop physically but have caught up with emails but was unsatisfied with the state of affairs. So I sent this:

Mungo,

I have been out of the loop for a while, but on asking around no-one at all can tell me what on earth is happening with X [the contract you just lost] and the publishing of the list of people who are in-scope [for transfer]. On reading the documents, this information was meant to be made public in June.

I am feeling rather anxious that no-one is being forth-coming with any information at all, and people are resorting to rumour, gossip and private meetings. Can someone please answer the following.

• Who is deciding which members of staff are in or out of scope?
• What criteria are they using to judge whether a person is "in-scope" or not.
• When, exactly is the list being made public
• What date is Toxic handing over work to Winners
• Why are some people being asked to work beyond the "drop-dead" date.
• Are Winners coming to "here" to give a presentation and if so, when
  

I also feel angry that the future of peoples' livelihoods is being treated with such apparent indifference. I simply do not understand what the apparent shroud of secrecy is about. Staff deserve to know what is happening with their own jobs, specifically:

• What do I do if someone decides I am not in scope?
• If I am not in scope where am I going to work in Toxic?
• Am I able to get redundancy?

I want some answers by the end of Friday, if not sooner.

thanks,

Me

Day 6 - Holier than thou

Job descriptions on steroids

After perusing the network for a document I needed I came across a job description. Here's what it says, copyright Toxic Ltd. of course so don't try to copy and paste this or they will sue your ass.


Enabling back-end Infrastructure

Enabling Back-End Infrastructure scope of deliverables are primarily aligned with the Microsoft Wintel server architectures. This is for the infrastructure layer and not for definition of the application layer but does include the integration of that application layer.
Within the remit of the team, we integrate with the Portfolio and Core engineering offerings to align with the Client Engineering requirements of any of our given customers.
The team operates at the EMEA level and defines the design and engineering activities to provide:

• Server Platform specification and configuration
• Server Operating System build for Microsoft Infrastructure
• File and Print solutions, typically, integration of LAD
• Name Resolution (DNS/WINS) and IP management (DHCP)
• Application platforms – Resilience and high availability
• Server components, and not limited to, Login scripts, server policy, migration
• Printing solutions
• Virtualisation
• Thin Client backend solutions
  

The solutions are designed to integrate end to end from the distributed office server space back to the infrastructure components delivered into the datacentre to ensure Toxic delivers a complete solution set that supports the needs of the customer in the desktop infrastructure.

End User Devices

The aim of End User Devices is to bring together, as a single team within EMEA, all personnel with relevant expertise with end user devices e.g. desktop and laptop hardware and operating system builds (Windows 2000/XP), locally attached peripherals such as printers and scanners, and so on. The combined skills of this team will be used to provide design capability, build capability, and provide ongoing support for solutions developed to support the desktop client build throughout the EMEA region.

Translation podule 3.141596 loading....bullshitese to English

Analysing information stream....

Enabling back-end Infrastructure (bullshit factor 90%....Back office)

They work on Microsoft shit because it's all point and click and they only know how to use a mouse. They work on this layer, not that one, but they can touch that one because they are so clever. They integrate engineering things to what the customers want so are really special. They do lots and lots of thing, like:

• Choosing what shiny big servers to play with
• Putting the Microsoft CD in and using the wizzy wizard
• Sharing files
• Managing DNS, WINS and IP.....oh the computer does all that....err
• Resilience and high availability by rebooting the big servers when they bluescreen
• Server components, and not limited to, Login scripts, server policy, migration
• Printing solutions - right-click, share printer
• Virtualisation - almost servers...shh...don't tell anyone
• Thin Client backend solutions (what do you mean the Citrix team do that??)

The stuff plugs in and joins the customer's servers to a big rooms with lots and lots of servers in called a "datacentre". The is so the customer can use their desktop computers to send email and get their files.

End User Devices (bullshit rating 99.9% - translation, front office)

Are a bunch of techies who build desktop and laptops. They install printers and scanners sometimes and give some customer support. They are not important anyway.

Day 5 - All quiet

Oct 25th

I still feel full of snot and germs but come in to work anyway. I find notices plastered all over the place telling us that the rear doors are alarmed between 8am and 6pm. Presumably after that they relax because a nice security man comes along to guard them.

I have no news from my boss or his boss, despite me telling them I was sick. I don't know what to expect, but at least an "OK" would be polite. It also crossed my mind that it's rather odd no-one at all has enquired whether I am ok, after being "off sick" for 3 months.

--
On looking for someone's name, I come across some email distribution lists. You really couldn't make this stuff up:

Project Boomerang - it kept coming back
Project Deja view - I'm sure we've seen this before
Project Jedi - May the Force be with you
Project Shiner - It's a load of old w*nk

--

Day 3 & 4

Oct 19th - 2oth

It seems my exposure to the other members of the human race who remain in the office are less sanitary than they might be as I come down with a cold almost immediately after returning to work.

So I stay at home instead and feel a bit sorry for myself and continue to potter around doing what I do at home.

I do make sure, once I eventually crawl out of bed that I make the effort to login to my email and tell my boss that I am sick and will confirm my health the following day, Friday. I hear nothing back.

Come the Friday, I mail him again only to get an automated reply "I'm on leave today". This is surprising as he could have told me that yesterday, but no, he choose not to tell me don't bother or to tell me that as manager he would not be available. I feel my head to make sure it is not mushroom shaped....

The Weekend - It's a gas

Saturday, 14th Oct

I got up and went downstairs to get breakfast and opened my morning post whilst the kettle boiled and found I had another "final" bill for my gas supply from Southern Electric. I had previously had one for£76 despite me being a single person and having only hot-water 2 hours a day. Gas is getting expensive, but not that bad yet.

Amazingly their previous bill was automatic where they still don't bother to come and read the meter when you move suppliers. Oh no that would be sensible. Instead the use a "deemed" reading - or as it's colloquially known "making it up as they go along".

The result of their guessing is a gross over-estimate in their favour of 600 gas therms. So I of course immediately took another reading and rang them up to advise them of their error, politely, upshot being a final, final bill.

And here it is:




Yes, that's right folks. They have spent about £5 in admin overheads to send me a bill for 90 shiny new pence.

(My existing record was a bill for 0.01p from Blockbuster Video).

Day 2 - As out of date as last year's newpaper

Thursday, Oct 12th

I start installing the software I lost but need admin rights. Paul logs on for me and I find half the drivers are missing. What a joy. Luckily I download everything I need AND put them on the network for a silly project I was given. My foresight strikes again :).

Of most note is my invisibility to project managers. None of the 3 main ones have greeted me with a welcome. I had a mumble "alright" from Midge, "Hello Mike" (surprised) from Mungo and a "Good night" from Mary. I guess I will not be on their Christmas card list either.

Lunch is somewhat eventful after someone picks up my pastie and dessert from the kitchen and asconds with it. I ask the receptionist if she has seen a pastie walk by, much to her amusement.
I return and after a short debate about Moslems wearing veils (which ends with me being called ignorant I guess) my food magically rematerialises. I did not see who snuck it back.

I spent the rest of my day rummaging around the corporate intranet vainly catching up on things only to find everything as hopelessly out of date as when I left, except:

• my ex-team member is still logged as working on a contract we lost in Jan
• the same person works on another account that according to the author has no "resource".

[ed: please note the jargon is theirs - people are resources and any mention of them uses that word]

• if I need to book a holiday, I can't use the official procedure because it's still blank
• there are no meeting minutes since May 2006, so I can't see what's been happening
• most of the external links don't work
• many of the internal (intranet) don't work either

Apart from that everything is fine.

Day 1 - My first day back

Wednesday 11th Oct - Tea

I arrive and it is hammering down with rain and lightning in an almost Biblical sign of the end of the world. I make a dash, holding my laptop bag over my head as a makeshift umbrella and burst into the building's reception like a SWAT team of one.

As I have put my swipe card in a place so safe I can't find it I have confront the receptionist Maureen. I tell her I need a card and she is surprised that I work in the building. After I explain where I sit, the penny drops with her - she was confusing me with someone else. I feel relieved as I thought something odd was going on.

As I walk upstairs a few people give me a warm welcome and before I can unpack I am whisked off for a cup of tea by Paul, who makes Gulliver's giant look small.

He confirms that a Project Manager, Hamble, is no longer allowed to work with my team owing to his persisent bullying.

I get back and I manage to read 2 emails before another mate, Nick, drops by for a tea-break so I return to the "Servery" aka the kitchen, where more idle banter ensues.

When I get back upstairs I don't get to my seat before Paul grabs me....for a tea-break. Thank god they are unsatisfyingly small paper cups...

I return I find my laptop screen has blanked out. I wiggle the mouse and press keys to no avail so I cycle the power and soon see a black-screen headed by the phrase "Disk read error. Reboot". I reboot a few times to the same result. Great - my laptop has died and I've not even read my email.

By this time it's time for lunch anyway, so Paul takes me to the new bistro and continues to fill me in about work before we switch to small talk.


After lunch Paul gives me a laptop he has spare. Unfortunately it seems slow as a two-legged dog and to make matters worse the corporate SMS system starts to install every thing missing and keeps wanting to reboot. Thankfully I bought a magazine at lunchtime so I read that whilst SMS gets on with it.

Then it's time to go home.