Mon, Nov 6th - We're still quality

Here's a little email that management sent to everyone about quality, with the bullshit translator switched to Max

Background

In Q2 2006 Toxic UK changed ISO 9001:2000 certification bodies to come in line with Engineering communities within Toxic. The new auditing company Toxic deals with is ABC. ABC have already conducted one audit on staff working on the X account. New Certificates are being put together over the next week or so and will be sent out once they have been received by the Management Team.
[someone finally realised that Toxic had a quality "standard" for every department. The previous auditor gave up, so there's a new one now]


Scope
All UK resources [that's people or staff to you readers out there], regardless of the capability they work for, will be classified as 'In Scope' of this audit round. The plan for this audit round is as follows:

bla de bla

A list of names has already been submitted to the auditor, however the auditor is able to change that list as he sees fit, although he will try to stick with the schedule as best he can. The auditor may also wish to speak to members of staff on other sites and decide to conduct a teleconference and net meeting / webby. All staff will be kept informed of the progress of the audit activities and if you require further information please contact your manager or the Quality Management Team using the group mailbox address below.
[Everyone is available so this auditor bloke is given a list of people to speak to, but he can chuck that away and pick anyone he likes really, so, err, we dunno why we bothered, but anyway if you have any questions ask us.]

Useful Links
bla de bla bla

All staff working on the above sites should keep a clean desk policy and remain professional throughout the day that the auditor is on site. Remember you are all ambassadors for Toxic. If the auditor asks you a question, all we ask is that you answer it truthfully. If you do not know the answer then point him to someone who can assist (e.g. Team leader).
[everyone should hide all their paperwork. Your are all ambassadors, bribe the auditor with Ferroro Roche - if you haven't got any, balance some small bits of cat poo on a paper cup-cake]

All staff members who have been identified for the audit will receive an additional email regarding times of the audits and extra assistance before the audit.
[anyone on our will be told what to say and trained so it looks like everyone knows what they are doing]