Stationary Scrotum

Yes - a man who can't spell (see title) seems it think this was the place to keep his lewd video clip (from youTube no doubt) about a cleaner for male mechanics called Scrotum Scrub. Hilarious. Next!!!1

Sold down the river without a paddle

I joined a union called Amicus recently to have some back-up in my fight for justice. They send me little snippets because they are good at communicating, unlike Toxic.

"Members will know that Amicus has, for some time now, been engaging with Toxic at all levels on this subject. Only last Monday, 27 November, 2006, Amicus and the PCS unions met Toxic senior leaders ...it was doubly disappointing that the company failed even to inform Amicus that it was about to off-shore large sections of its UK HR administration..."

Poor HR. Sniff. They do soooo much for us.


NOT.

Lord of the Flies - by Alfred McAnus

Following my scenic trip around Toxania, the first thing I see upon entering the edifices of the front door is a new notice.

"The smoke treatment for the Cluster Flies will be taking place on Friday 1st December. Can all members of staff please ensure they have left the premises by 6pm....Please ensure that no food products are left out."

I was immediately tickled pink. Do the Cluster Flies know they are getting a treat? Do we need to form a team too? If so, I suggest the Huddled Hornets.

NB: I have also realised that these flies clearly know shit/evil when they see it. If there are in your office, get out whilst you can.

Lost

No, not the TV series. This is a little tale about getting to work. I travel about 30 miles to work, but the last bit there is one long straight road to the village where the office is. The council re-surfaced it not that long ago, but it seems they were not happy with that so have decided to go it all over again but this time to close the whole road. Fine, so you go around the corner. Err, nope. On Tuesday I tried following the diversion signs and it took me 30 mins to do what normally takes me 5 mins.

So, today I was prepared. I had already looked at my map and decided I would take a sharp right up a lane and come out a lot closer.

I drove up the lane, crossed under the railway - all good so far. I then saw a sign for Toxicania (where Toxic is) and thought great! I followed it took me through several small roundabouts and over the railway again...and brought me back out to the place where the road is closed!!!
I had gone in a circle.

I had no choice now but to try again but gathered I needed to turn off somewhere. I must have missed a turning. I got halfway and after passing under the railway found a place to stop and check the map. Right I was looking for Dog Lane. It should be 3rd on the left before the roundabout. I started off, 1....2...no 3 but a roundabout instead. I went around and double-back and then double-back again to park in the same lay-by. It MUST be there. It says here in black and white! It must be set back or I blinked. I will drive extra slow this time.

So I drive on. First left, 2nd no 3rd but a roundabout instead. I keep going and then I see it. Dog Lane!!! Hurrah. Thank goodness for that.

The rest of the journey was fine and I get to the office without problem in about 5 mins. I check the map again knowing now that there was an extra roundabout that is not marked on the map.
It turns out it is also missing 2 more roundabouts I found later on. Curious I thumb to the inside cover...printed 1990. Bugger. Maybe it's time I bought a new one then :S.

A picture paints a thousand words...

Overtime claim

Today I went to a Microsoft meeting in the morning about Vista. It was pretty good and sparked my fire for technology in way. It's stuff I want to be doing.

I got back and logged onto to Toxic to check my mail to see if Flakey had replied to me asking "am I going to get paid for the overtime I did". Last time he refused despite the guy who asked me assuring me it would be fine. So this time, it was against the grain, but I did it.

There was still no response from Flakey. I sent a "blood-hound" email to him to try and track him down - i.e. something on a different subject with a read receipt, so I could tell if you has even reading my emails. I had to resort to these lengths as he does not use his Outlook calendar, so no-one knows where the hell he is, unless he chooses to tell them. I'm only his minion - who do I need to know if he is on holiday, sick or out of the office...

Strangely, I suddenly get an out of office note from my second email. That's not possible as far as I know. It replies to just the first email from each person who happens to write in. So, I can only guess he turned it on AFTER getting my first email. I send a reminder attaching the original email asking to him. It's not subtle but I am running out of options.

I am feeling increasingly vexed now, so am sat debating the best way to proceed when I see a note pass by from him to accounts - please approve payment. Yooo-bloody-reeka!!!


He has finally done the decent thing. Why

Don't use AOL, ever!

It always amazes me why people ever use AOL. Let me explain why

1. First, they are expensive when you look at what you get,
2. Their software is buggy
3. Their software "contains you" in their "AOL capsule" so they can track every little thing you do.
4. Their service is populated by weirdos (mostly from the US)
5. Their customer service is really, really bad

Now don't just take my word for it. I can prove it to you quite easily. Here goes:

Cost

I am going to ignore their slowest connection for a moment and show you their tricks.
Here's the cost comparison for 8MB services for a year.

AOL Platinum 8Mb (FREE Wireless Router) £329.89 @£29.99 monthly, unlimited
Toucan 8Mb Unlimited Broadband & Free Weekend Calls £179.88 @ £14.99 monthly, unlimited
Virgin Bundle Plan Two £179.88, £14.99, unlimited
Virgin Plan Two £215.88, 1 month,£17.99, 6GB limit
BT Total Broadband - Option 1, £200.88, £17.99, 2GB limit
Tiscali Broadband 8Mb + Free Weekend Talk, £215.88, £17.99,unlimited

So, ummm, that's like about 30 companies offering the same thing for half price AOL charge, or put another way, it's in the top 10 of the most expensive suppliers/services you can get.
i.e. you can save up to £150 just by shopping around.

Their "bargain" 2MB service for 14.99 is a loss leader - they offer it as a lure that loses them a tiny amount of money because once you're in their grip they can rip you off later.

Think of it as a big fat worm - if you go for it, they want to reel you in and "upgrade you" to Platinum. Naturally, you will be tempted because you are already their customer. It's a dirty rotten trick.


Buggy

Oh yes!! Their software was the single-most common cause for "executive laptop crashes" during my two years as a laptop engineer. It's horrible. Uninstall it now, for the love of God.


Captive audience

In August 2006 they released a huge log file of their customer's activity for researchers. Unfortunately they ignored a recent law by the US to "remove customer identity from all records" for privacy. The log is floating around the internet and is just a big, big text file with names replaced by a number. However, taking a wild guess in my usual "cutting the crap" style, I imagine it reads something like this:

24534666 10:01 "ebay ceramic vases"
0010000 02:03 "cars for sale
24534666 11:21 "bomb making for idiots"
0010000 02:06 "sindy dolls, cheap"
0010000 02:07 "music for nuns"
24534666 11:23 "gay child porn"
24534666 11:26 "snuff videos and sex with dead people"

source: http://www.techcrunch.com/2006/08/06/aol-proudly-releases-massive-amounts-of-user-search-data/


Customer service

This is sadly a reflection of typical "customer service": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIVZ9b0RgmY

I can relate to this personally. I asked for a rebate from Orange this year owing to the fact that my mum was physically unable to use her mobile at all for over year, meaning she had paid £15 a month for nothing. My request for £50 as a gesture of good-will fell on the same deaf ears. No-one wanted to know.

Ironic, for a company that makes it's money out of people listening.