In loving memory of Pat

This is not really the place to post this, but it does have bearing on the background between me and Flakey.

To cut a very, long, hard story short, in June my mum died from a grade 4 (read worst there is) tumour of the brain, but my management team were unable to bite their tongues as you will see shortly.

Anyway, this is the eulogy poem I wrote:

Bill, Bill!

Get away from the edge
You know I don’t like it,
When you go near the ledge.
Pat was afraid of ledges and heights
But most all she gave us all the frights

Bill, Bill!
There’s a bee, there’s a bee!!
Running around the garden
trying to flee.
Pat was allergic to the honey-bees tail
How we would laugh as her arms would flail

Bill, Bill!
Just look at the water,
Get out there now
and do what you oughta,
Pat was afraid of being flooded and wet
But we live on a hill so it’s not flooded yet

Bill, Bill!
Don’t dare answer that door
The house is a mess,
And I must tidy some more.
Pat was house-proud to all our frustrations
We surely missed out on social occasions

Bill, Bill!!
There’s ants in the kitchen!!
I’m sat on the sofa
and I can’t stop itchin’
Pat was an ant-killer you can all see that clearly,
but she was our mum and we will miss her dearly

Bullying...I'll show you what bullying is then DrMike

Late afternoon Wednesday I send a "nice-o-gram" email out thanking people for helping me finish some work by doing their job testing it! Not that it's my place to do so, but it's xmas and I know management won't thank them. Anyway, following a minor faux paus typo meaning I recalled and re-sent the email when I was kindly told just minutes later by Paw, I get two replies:

You had me going there for a moment.
Good work by you and Fluffy to get this through
Boss A
---
Mike,
I would suggest double check your emails before sending…..
Flakey

I felt, how can I say, rather vexed by one of them. One demonstrates how to manage people, the other how to bully. Can YOU spot the difference?

Bullying - what bullying? I can't see any bullying

On Wednesday, two days after both Paul and I had made formal complaints to our manager, Flakey of intimidation, sarcasm, lying and victimisation (all of which we have proof for) I was unable to wait so I ask Flakey to ring me.

This is the conversation, as near verbatim as I can get (it's a skill I have, ironically empowered whenever I get upset):

Part one

Me: hello
RB: are you alright???
Me: yes
RB: it sounded like you fell over there?
Me: no, I was just coming into the office
Rb: silence
Me: have you read the emails
Rb: what emails do you mean?
Me: about what’s going on here
Rb: oh you mean about Paul Medcalf and working from home
Me: yes
Rb: Yes I have
Me: Well have you reached any conclusions?
Rb: I’m sorry??
Me: Have you come to any conclusions about what you have read?
Rb: Well they are both lying but my decision stands
Me: So you mean they are both lying?
RB: well I am not taking sides here but the PMs are telling me one thing and Paul Medcalf is telling me another story completely
Me: but you’ve read Paul’s email?
Rb: yes, but as far as I am concerned the process for working from home is as I communicated to the whole of EUD last week
Me: So you don’t see there is a problem with two other teams doing it one way and Front Office being required to do it another
Rb: I outlined the process last week and that applies to the whole of EUD UK
Me: so you really don’t see there is any problem having a difference in policy?
Rb: I sent the email out last week and that is my policy
Me: This goes back before the email last week though. The whole situation is aimed at just Paul. It is bullying.
Rb: Burying
Me: BULLYING
Rb: I’m sorry – burying?
Me: Bull-eee-ing
Rb: I don’t see that The process is that if anyone wants to work from home then they ask me and they ask the SDM.
Me: So as far you are concerned you don’t see a problem with front office having to ask permission and other teams not needing too?
Rb: No, no at all. I sent the email last week and that is the new policy
Me: So you just made it up?
Rb: I can do what I want
me: I’m sorry but that might be what you learnt at the management school you went to but that’s not the management school that I went to.
Rb:
Me: So are you going to do anything to clarify things?
Rb: Well I am going to send an email later this afternoon.
Me: OK

Part 2

Me: I have to say I feel very, very angry about the way…I feel I have been treated this year
Rb: Oh?
Me: I mean by management
Rb: I don’t remember Mike
Me: What do you mean you don’t remember?
Rb: I’m sorry I can’t think of anything you’ll have to remind me.
Me: I’m not going to put my words in your mouth Richard. Try and think. Think about June. What happened in June?
Rb: Well your mum passed away sadly
Me: and what else?
Rb: We had a meeting where we you signed a consent form for medical examination and we discussed your medical appointments.
Me: Anything else?
Rb: Not that I remember
Me: what about the two days I took off
Rb: You obviously have a better memory than me
Me: the two days I took off two weeks before my mum passed away because I was upset
Rb: we agreed that thanks to your medical history we needed a doctor’s note for those two days
Me: so you don’t see why I would feel upset about any of that?
Rb:
Rb: No
Me: Well I need to have a meeting with you in January to bottom things out…I am breaking up for Xmas today so we can’t do it before then.
Rb: ok

Part 3

Me: ok, well what about the project managers and the way they keep leaving me out of the loop and ignoring me
Rb: the process for working from home…
Me: Richard I am not talking about that now. I am talking about them assigning work now. I want them to only come to me to give work out.
Rb: Oh, ok, well if they are not doing that then I will let them know.
me: ok
Rb: Well thanks for that Mike. Have a good xmas break. Bye matey.

-----
Matey....I don't think so.

Bullying - found them out

As Paul was really not happy at the way the last few days have gone he decided to call the PM's bluff and ask other staff whether they had to "ask permission" to work from home. It may seem a trivial point blown out of proportion but when you KNOW you are being victimised but the offenders are telling you they are not, you can easily begin to question your own sanity.

He asked around anyway and shock, horror no-one at all has to beg. They ask their team lead and that's it. For Paul, the team lead is yours truly.

Cue the evidence m'lud....


email from Paul:

Flakey,

Following our conversation on Friday, I've been looking into the information that we have been given regarding the Project Managers, and "asking for permission" to work from home.

I have been told as I believe you have also that we are all required to request their permission to work from home. I have been explicitly told by the project managers that everyone does this, and I assume this is the reason that you passed this on to me on Friday.

After asking the question of my colleagues in Toxic I find that this is not the case. In actual fact I can find not a single person that has to ask for permission to work from home from a project manager. I took the liberty of speaking to the A team leader, and the B team leader who have both kindly put this in an email which are copied below.

I mentioned in the last meeting we had with Mungo (PM lead) several months ago that I felt I was being victimised and was assured that I was not.

I now have proof that I am.

I would also point out that neither Dave, or Mike ask the PM's for permission to work from home and neither of them has been spoken to by anyone regarding this. I have had endless accusations put to you and Mike over the past months all of which I have proved to be untrue.

All I want to be able to do is to work in the same manner as my colleagues and for this bullying to end immediately.

I spoke to Agency twice regarding this on the two previous occasions I have been unjustly abused by members of the PM team, and am keeping them informed this time also.

Yours Sincerely

Paul
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Email from Paw - team Leader of A - Toxania

Paul,

As mentioned [ed: verbally], my policy is that as long as the person within A can work productively from home and can be contacted when necessary, then I do not have a problem with my team doing so. Unfortunately A work is generally more hands-on so my team do not often have that opportunity.

I feel, that depending on the type of work that the person is doing, that they should work in the manner that best suits them having the opportunity to get the work done.

I would only explicitly inform the project manager that a person is working from home if it was likely to impact on the current piece of work.

Thanks

Paw
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Email from MCHammer - Team Leader of B, Toxania

Paul

I must admit to not necessarily following a rigorous process in this matter. If a member of staff wants to work from home, I would normally expect them to having a "good reason", e.g. car problems, gas boiler repair, builder coming, etc. I would then assess with them whether they could in fact do the work from home. I would not expect them to ask the PM for explicit permission, they work for me, not the PM. I will generally inform the PM, but I must admit that I sometimes forget! However, if there is an issue it should be between me and the PM, not the individual and the PM.

Regards

MCHammer

-----
we await a reply, but are not holding our breath.

Corporate survey

Today I had a nice email from "corporate quarters" asking for my opinion on leadership. So I told them...

your Comments:

My immediate leader has behaved like a bully on several occasions and shows no evidence of either ethics or a backbone.

(the demographics are not true by the way so you can't narrow down the anonominity).

---
Well, they DID ask.

My response to the boss

Flakey,

I feel things are getting out of control here with regard project management's methods - as in they are handling the situation badly and I have a headache now. Here are the facts:

Lliam just came and sat next to Paul and asked him something about a meeting and then came back and said that Midge has refused to pay overtime.Paul replied that he has done all his hours this week, so will either stay and take the time off next week or go.

Lliam then became sarcastic and started to ask what Paul has been doing all week and had he really booked the whole week to a working on a 5K file. Paul replied yes and asked what Lliam wanted to do. Lliam then walked off and said I will cancel the meeting today and schedule for Monday, and assume you will be in then.

Two hours notice are required for a meeting, not just 30 mins and clearly Paul did not refuse to go to the meeting - he offered to stay and take the time off next week.

General situation

Personally, I find the situation un-professional and totally unnecessary and it seems to have been self-inflicted by the PMs not controlling the situation and then over-reacting totally before going running their superiors (because they have no direct authority) and subsequently getting stuck in an endless loop.

They never, ever bother to tell me anything either about the work, the changes to the work plans or whether they need any of my team and choose to berate them directly and then escalate it - i.e. they choose to cut me out of the loop, alienating both me and my team members and then are "surprised" when said team members are not as friendly on their next conversation.

To make matters worse, I believe that T, the packager who is meant to be working with Paul on the X problem is playing Machiavellian games; I am afraid this now dips into the realms of playground tittle-tattle:

Lliam told me that T has told Lliam he had been trying to get hold of Paul "all day" but when I asked for evidence the exact opposite true.

The fact that it boiled down to a breakdown in communication seems to have been ignored and Paul has been held accountable (i.e. blamed) for "holding things up", when he was doing nothing of the sort and yet the project managers felt it perfectly acceptable for T to go and get his new X5 on Wednesday and not get asked to come in because he was "too far away". This conversation occurred in front of my desk, with one PM getting assurance from the other that "that was all above board and OK".

Summary

Paul, has yet again been made a scapegoat of other people's inability to control a piece of work and of another team's lack of communication skills leading to the apparent gullibility of one PM and compounded by the inequality of other PM's treatment of staff and the worst thing is it was all so totally unnecessary.

The result is that trust has now officially left the building, closely followed by morale.

Going forward

I want the games by other teams to stop, PMs to stop harassing both my staff and come to me and only me if they feel there is even the a hint of problem so that I can deal with it professionally and productively without stress as such stress is no good for anyone's health, least of all mine.

Pram...toys....oop, there they are look - on the floor

As Paul is understandable a little upset at the behaviour of PMs, he arrives late on Friday. However he cannot do anything because T has been given a "severity 1" problem to do. For those of you not familiar with classifications a severity 1 IT issue means that the red telepphone on the directors desk is flashing, the batman silhouette is shining in the sky, the SAS are on standy by and Kate Adie is donning her flak-jacket ready to go in to the troubles-spot.

The nature of the "sev 1" remains a mystery but means Paul can't do any work. Come 2:30pm, T has magically given the work back to Paul and Lliam the PM decides to call a meeting for 3pm.

Unfortunately, Paul is not happy and replies "well, I would like to stay but I have done my hours for this week. Either I stay and get overtime or stay and take the hours off next week or I go."
Lliam mumbles about getting approval for overtime and returns to say "no - it has not been approved".

Paul then repeats his statement and asks "what do you want want me to do?"
Lliam loses the plot....

Lliam: I find it hard to believe you've done your hours as you've not even been here
Paul:
Lliam: and you only came in at 11am today
Paul: you don't normally mention what time I come in
Lliam: so you've done all your hours?!
Paul: yes
Lliam: so you spent the whole week working on a 5K file
Paul: yes
Lliam: and you've charged for that have you?
Paul: yes
Lliam: fine! well I'll cancel the meeting then...(walking away)
...and re-schedule it for Monday now...if you decide to turn up that is...

He is, a little upset.

Broken car!!! how very dare you!

On Tuesday one of my team let me know that his car was in the garage having failed it's MOT (UK's road vehicle test). I accepted it and let him continue to work from home. Wednesday came and went without event.

Thursday however, ome of the PMs (Project Manglers) came to to talk to his chum. LLiam started murmuring to Midge in hushed tones . They continue for several minutes, bitching to each other.

Then Midge looks up at me and asks "Have you spoken to Paul recently?"

me: Yes, I spoke today thanks
Midge: Any news?
me: He has car problems
LLiam: T has been tried to contact him all day Tuesday and failed so I ended up having a conference call with him and he said he might grace us with his presence on Friday and T is there doing nothing because he is waiting for Paul for some work. Anyway it has been escalated to his manager and they will deal with things from there.

There was nothing I could say to that as I was completely in the dark as to what on earth he was talking about and never pass comment without knowing facts first. (I'm odd like that - I prefer to know what I am talking about before I mouth off).

I contact Paul immediately to get his side of the story. I know he is effectively stranded thanks to his car, but the rest is unclear. He tells me he has done any work he needed to do and emailed it to T and he told Lliam so on Wed night at 9pm.

(I hope you are following still - it's going to get messy very soon!)

Paul then sends me the discourse between T and him. It went something like this.

10:00am Hello. Where are you?
11:30am What?
2:30pm Where are you? What are we doing? lol
4:30pm Ring me, you cock [ed - meant with endearment]
4:40pm I did and got voicemail
5:00pm So you you rang my phone which is on and didn't ring and you did not leave a message???

After that I gather Lliam, T and Paul had a teleconference.

So, as you can see, someone was not trying very hard at all to contact Paul, yet somehow the situation has become "oooh let's all stand and point our finger's at Paul and say "he's crap and he knows he is!!"

After I told Paul what was being said, effectively behind his back he rang Lliam immediately. Then Mungo appears, as if by magic, clearly gloating wanting to know the latest gossip. More whispering ensues but my radar-ears clearly pickup the words "Paul..." so I know exactly what is being said.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the Great Toxic Children's Circus

---
ADVERT

Please now go and have a nice cup of tea and a rich tea biscuit or some other refreshment. This anecdote is only halfway through.


----
Refreshed? Ok, good. Let's continue.
The story so far...man stranded at home get's blame for "holding things up because he is not sat at his desk".

Paul then rings our collective boss Flakey. Flakey has been told the same lies that I had been and so he is adamant that Paul comes in to the office despite Paul telling him that he has done the work and is unable to travel anywhere at all thanks to his car being at the garage. Apparently a lack of personal transport is "minor" as is Paul being able to complete the work at home. Paul has to get into the office or else!

Meanwhile back at the "Big Top" tent that they call the office I investigate further. I soon discovered that "T" was not in the office on Wednesday as he was somewhere in London collecting his new car - a monstrous BMW X5. I know that as Mungo came to talk to Midge (who sits 3 foot away from me, and told him "I told T he can 'work from home' as it will take him an hour to get back and it's 2pm now, so it's not worth it. He said he can work on documentation"

Yes, that old chestnut..."doing some documentation". Or as some rather more blunt people might say, doing the lottery/Sun crossword/fantasy football. Not that I am suggesting the mysterious "T" would be doing that. I imagine he would be sat dribbling over the Dakota leather upholstery of his new car. Allegedly.

I digress. T was friends with Mungo, so he was allowed not to be sat at his desk. Paul however, who was working (and available) and without any vehicle at all, was being reported to teacher for being AWOL.


My Final Straw

The final straw for me comes by way of "The Schedule." Now this might get long-winded so make sure you are sitting comfortably before you begin. Many moons ago, when my team and I were blissfully working alone and un-project managed and producing work regularly as clockwork, but then one dark and stormy night the Grand Wizards in the Great Tower passed wind, shortly before passing a decision. Toxania is to have some Project Managers and lo' they shall go to where the minions are and oversee the work and make things more efficient. For this you will use a Magic Book of work to do thy work. Excel shall be its name!!!

So, it came to pass that 3 experts came to the office and they went off into a meeting room for many months and began strange incantations and murmurings. Then, one of them came out of the room and sent an email. From now on engineers will use "extracts" from the Great Microsoft Project Plan, for you to read in the Magic book of sheets, Excel.

Here is last week's plan:

What Priority Team Member Magic code Start Date Finish Date
900 Toads 2.0 Paul[75%], T[75%] 534563 12/12/2006 22/12/2006
800 Frogs 1.5 Paul[75%] 343242 15/12/2006 21/12/2006
700 Lizards 1.5 Dave[75%] 525222 11/12/2006 20/12/2006


Now, for prudence I have replaced some specific things but kept the main bits I have issue with. Can you see the delibarate flaw in their plan???

Yes, folks, the bit of work that Paul was castigated for was not meant to start for a week on Tuesday. The more observant amongst you will also wonder how can anyone have a decimal priority or have 2 people working on 1 thing 75% and thus contribute 150% effort when, per centages are part of 100.

Meeting

I later confronted Lliam with the points that he had gone over my head and escalated to the boss when it would have been correct to come to me first and the work "extract" was wrong.
After I asked him the fourth time, I got through his verbal barrage of wittering. He paused. It was a long pregnant pause that he could have had triplets in...and he said sorry. But then recovered and insisted it did not matter. The work had been started early so there.

We parted on the agreement that he would never "go over my head" as long as I reminded my teams (yes plural - I seem to have gained more than one now) that they must ask permission in future to "work from home", escpecially if your car has broken.

Corporate Meetings

I got up early for a meeting today. Here is the agenda. It looks impressive doesn't it.


01 Current Action Items 00:10 Action Items Database
02 Current Status 00:05 Status Reports Folder
03 Team News 00:05 Meeting Support Folder
04 Tech Update 00:10 Development News
05 Work In Progress 00:15 Assignments Sheet
06 Issues 00:05 Issues Database
07 Suggestions 00:05 Suggestions Database
08 Review New Actions 00:10 Action Items Database
09 Next Steps 00:05 EMEA Leaders Meeting


Let me walk you through it a little.

01 Has actions like "talk to Fred", "email Sue", "scratch arse", "open mouth to talk", etc
02 is a list of everything that minions like me are doing regardless of their leader
03 Team News is great. The content is here:

"New Team Members
Welcome to the EMEA End User Devices Group

Location:
Account:

People:
Team Leader
Team Members

Training News"

Yep. As empty as a eunuch's underpants.

04 is just a link to another internal page, so nothing to talk about there. Must be just filler...
05 is another link to a spreadsheet of who is working where. It took me to "remind" them recently that they had "Bob" down as still working next to me, on an account that they lost 3 months ago.
06 and 07 are also all empty databases.
09 is a repeat of 01.

As usual it was run by teleconference AND a web meeting which consister of Flakey pointing to his screen with the mouse.

I did note, in the preparation of this blog, Flakey neglected to log me as being present despite. So, I did it for him.

Theresa

As an extra special treat, here are the conversations I had recently with one Nigerian scammer who called "herself" Theresa. (Bad spelling is left as originally typed).


Introduction

me hello
ThereaScam ok how are you doing
me fine thanks
TheresaScam: did you add me to your list?
me which list?
TheresaScam: msn
TheresaScam: its says you are not added to my list
me well you are otherwise we would not be talking
TheresaScam: well that is what it says
me ok, don't worry about it
TheresaScam: alright
me what is your job then babe?
TheresaScam: i recruite young models
me wow that's good
TheresaScam: and what do you do
me: I am a dentist for animals
TheresaScam: that is cool. are you married ?
me no, not yet. are you?
TheresaScam: not. how old are you? i am 26 but turn 27 on 15th october
me I am 32
TheresaScam: i ahd a terrible experience to finding tue love
TheresaScam: so once beaten twice shy they say
me oh, that sounds bad me but you learnt I guess
TheresaScam: i said terrible so i am kind of going to take my time if i ever found someone me yes, I understand
TheresaScam: ok
TheresaScam: so what do you desire in a woman?
me honest, intelligence and caring
TheresaScam: and how far are you looking?
me just the UK
TheresaScam: ok
me what about you?
TheresaScam: sincerity and faithfullness and respect
TheresaScam: as for how far i am looking it within uk
scammerMonkey has canceled the invitation to start sending webcam.
TheresaScam: ok
me hi sorry my cam is broken at the mo - it is plugged in but doesn't work
TheresaScam: no problem oist ju its my desire to help
me how is that? why did you want to see me?
TheresaScam: does that bother you?
TheresaScam: i just saw that you have a cam and wanted to see you that all
me oh ok, that's nice of you to thinkso
me do you have a cam?
TheresaScam: no i dont have a cam
me that's a pity
TheresaScam: why do you say it a pity
me well I'd like to see you too
TheresaScam: my pic is on here in the im box
me I know that but it's always better to see someone live
TheresaScam: yes i know
me tell me again about the money you were asking about
TheresaScam: why ? does that bother you
me no, just you didn't really finish explaining
me you need money for new girls whilst they do shows
TheresaScam: what i said earlier was that i need an investor to help facilitate the running of the project financially then we can shre the preceeds afterwards

me so how much money do the model shows make?
TheresaScam: it depends on the client
me average then
TheresaScam: on average show a model could make like 20,00 naira abt $200
me am confused now
me the models make $200?
me what about you??
TheresaScam: you dont seem to understand
me no, I don't
TheresaScam: that is what we make on each model provided the contract is cool then we
will have to pay them just a little for their upkeep because the remaning
money will be use for running the agency
me right, that makes more sense me how many models are in a show then?

at the moment we got just five ready and wating for shows but i just6 go 2
today so in all we have got 7 have just got 2 today so in all we have got 7
me right
TheresaScam: so why the question do you want to he p out or what
me well how much were you asking for and how much would I get?
TheresaScam: well it depnd on how much you think you can invest
me how far would $200 go?


The Sob Story

TheresaScam: did you enjoy your meal?
me: yes thanks
TheresaScam: so what rae you looking for in a lady?
me: a sense of humour and honesty
me: do you have those traits?
TheresaScam: are yoiu in a relationship now
me: no, are you?
TheresaScam: i am not. i havebeen single for 8month now
TheresaScam: i just couldnt trust any men lately i dont kno why
me: were you let down before?
TheresaScam: yes
TheresaScam: i caught my ex screwing my best friend in my room. i was really shocked
me: oh no!
TheresaScam: then got hospitalise for 5weeks only to get out the hospital and realise they both ran away to madrid
to get married
TheresaScam: he emptied the account we shared together and i never saw him again
me: that's terrible
TheresaScam: yes it was really terrible so i decided i will never have anything to do with men again in
my life
TheresaScam: lately i met a psychologist who advise that i ofrget about my past and move forwrad with my life so that was what brought me to flirtomatic were we met
me: well that was good then
TheresaScam: so tell me abt your love life
me: not much to tell really. I have had about a dozen lovers but they all ended
for various reasons
TheresaScam: why?what reasons
me: they wanted to visit other countries or they met someone else
TheresaScam: sorry i am being very curious and inquisitive just trying to get to k now you
more
me: just the usual
TheresaScam: why would they want to vist ohter countries when they are suppose to be with
you?
me: they were restless and wanted to travel
TheresaScam: oh i see
TheresaScam: do it bother you that i ma far away from you?
TheresaScam: or let me put it this way how far are you looking
me: well I am not sure, just seeing how things go
TheresaScam: ok - TheresaScam: do you really intend to get married early if you find someone you want
me: I think so
TheresaScam: me too



TheresaScam: hello
me: hi - I am busy just name
TheresaScam: hoW ARE YOU DOING TODAY?
me: I will speak to you later - I have a bad cold
TheresaScam: ohhhhhhhhh im sorry abt that
me: I was out in the rain yesterday, with a cow and it took so long I caught cold
TheresaScam: have you used any drug?
me: yes thanks
TheresaScam: you are welcome
TheresaScam: do you ever go out having fun?
TheresaScam: if you are busy let me know okay
me: I am busy - I did say
TheresaScam: oh sorry


The Sting

TheresaScam: hello
TheresaScam: ho w are you doing
me ok - I just about to go out - I have an emergency call about a horse with a tooth
absess
TheresaScam: so what that?
me it's an infection dear
TheresaScam: when will you be back
me depends how long it takes
TheresaScam: i had wanted to ask you for a favour if its possible for you to do it
me a few hours
me well quickly!
TheresaScam: my mom was involve in an auto crash last week and needed an operation on her
leg but i dont have
enough money to do that so was just asking there is any hlep you can do for me
me oooh no that's terrible. what's wrong with her leg?
TheresaScam: i think she broke her borne or something i was too scared to listen to all
the explaination when the doc was saying it
TheresaScam: i am very worried and scared i dont want her to loose that leg
TheresaScam: the doc say it may result to cutting the leg off
me I could help her - but you know I treat animals don't you
TheresaScam: yes i know
me if she was a horse I would put her down
TheresaScam: but she is right far away from you
me I know
TheresaScam: so what can you do for me now i have to get back to the doc
me I could come over perhaps
TheresaScam: that will cost you alot of money
me I can bring my sleeping pills for her. I don't know how much flights are. Do you?
TheresaScam: abt 900
TheresaScam: what is on ground now is that the doc ask they i deposite some money and i
have done that i just need the balance to do so before the operation
commence neext week
me so is he going to amputate?
TheresaScam: no if the operation is caried out the doc say she will be fine afterwards
TheresaScam: so how can you help me now,i am really worried
me what do you want from me?
me do you want me to come there?
me hurry - I need to go very soon
TheresaScam: is there any financial assistance you can render towards this operations
TheresaScam: i need some money to complete the operation fees
me yes - how much. Get to the point I am in a hurry
TheresaScam: i dont mine paying back
me how much for God's sake, I have to go!!!!
TheresaScam: 500
me what? dollars? roubles? yen?
TheresaScam: pounds
me ok - well if I post a cheque what's the address?
TheresaScam: a cheque?
TheresaScam: i dont think that is a nice idea why not send tru westerunion or sum thing
me look I really have to go now
me I don't know what western Union is - you will have to explain when I get bac...email me
TheresaScam: its a money transfer
TheresaScam: you can ask your bank
me with the details of what you want
TheresaScam: ok
TheresaScam: when will you be back
me later tonight
me and going now. bye

Cyber-baiting

OK - I know this is "off topic" but I thought it is worth posting.

Being a single chap, I occasionally dabble in online dating. Occasionally I am propositioned by some very, very eager young girl, who then casually drops into the conversation that she is in Nigeria. It is at this point that I "play along" and lead them a merry dance. The latest, Theresa sent me this:

"WATS UP TRIED SAVERAL TIMESTO EMAIL YOU BUT NEVER GOT ANY RESPONSE SO WAS KIND OF WONDERING WHAT COULD HAVE GONE WRONG?MY MOM IS STILL LAYING CRITICALLY THERE AT THE HOSPITAL WAITING TO BE OPERATED UPON,PLS IF YOU DONT HAVE ANY WAY OR MEANS TO SEND THE MONEY DOWN HERE CAN YOU WRITE OUT A CHECK TO MY FRINED IN LONDON?SHE IS WILLING TO HELP CASH IT AND SEND THE MONEY HERE FOR ME ASAP,,, I WILL BE EXPECTING YOUR REPLY ASAP.....PLS REPLY EVEN IF YOU CANT HELP JUST REPLY AND LET ME KNOW..OKAY? TERESA JONES"


Apparently her mother had a car accident and the doctors there suggested that unless Theresa can stump up the cash the leg will have to be removed. Oooh look - the Flying Pig Arrows just did a fly-past......

My job role

Last Friday I was looking for something on the shiny new Sharepoint system (it's a Microsoft thing for sharing documents) and found the person "who calls himself my manager" had created a "Roles and Definitions" document. Naturally I was amazed that he had NOT informed me of its existence but when I read it I found it departed from reality shortly after the third word. So, I asked him as below.

_____________________________________________
From: Me
Sent: 01 December 2006
To: Flakey
Subject: Sharepoint documentation

F,

I have been looking on sharepoint and found the Roles - Definitions document. I don't get the bit for "Minion" staff (below). Who are the integrators? Have things changed that Minions are required to do packaging now too. Packaging currently do this here.

1.1 "Minion" Engineer
The main responsibilities of the "Minion" Engineers are:
Updates SharePoint accurately and in timely fashion
Packages Applications to the required standards as per the Integrators instructions
Test as per the Integration document

Thanks,

Mike

His reply was:


"Thanks for the information. The item in question has been resolved and a newer version of the document uploaded to the sharepoint server.

Many Thanks

Flakey"

Toxic building syndrome

Nothing much is happening at the moment, so I thought I would share a little information about the place/building where I work.

From the outside it looks innocent enough, a manure-brown office building with 70s styling. On entering the foyer, the secretary (who has never seen me before) nods smiling as you blatantly pass the sign the demanding that I wear an official identity badge at all times and that I produce it for admittance. My ID badge is at home, but I have never had need of it, despite working on Government high secure solutions. My badge is my face, my face IS my badge.

There are 3 floors inside, each secured with swipe card access. I work on the first floor so have to pass through 2 secure doors. The people who installed the security system must have been Irish though, as an inch above each and every swipe unit is a little red box that says "Emergency door release" and "Break glass and push button". The clue is in the name. So, should anyone called Al Kinda, or indeed anyone nafarious decide to break into the building they will know how to overcome the security.

In reality the main function of these doors is to prevent someone holding a steaming hot cup of tea AND anything else from getting back to work, as they have no free hand to swipe entry.


Now, as Toxic is an IT company as you would expect there are lots of computers here. Unfortunately, as the building was built in the 70s it was not built for this purpose. So, in their wisdom, the managers decided to put ALL the racks of servers on the 1st floor and built a partition around them and put, yes, another swipe card lock on the door.

Now there are just two problems. Firstly, the projects needed so many servers (computers for men with beards) in the one room they exceeded the 2 tonne weight limit of the floor.
Other minor, minor point is that given the building was meant for office staff, the air conditioning, although upgraded a bit, failed during the sweltering summer so they had to resort to opening the windows and powering off the machines that were not being used. Oh, one more thing - if too many servers were switched on at any time the electrical power would trip out meaning everything would start self-shutdown.

(ED: oh look, my manager has just logged on at 4pm on a Monday. How nice of him to attend his computer).

To add to the planning demonstration of excellence, once the floor space was banned from more kit (or even people over 12 stone) they had to resort to putting two more racks of servers downstairs on the ground floor next to the project management team. Then, because they were secure solutions they had a gorilla cage fitted around each one. Shame they did not fit it around the Project Managers, but that is another story.

So, apart from the weight, the lack of cooling and the power issues everything was fine. Thankfully they have now lost both the contracts we were working on so we don't have to worry about those problems any more...

Shopping Tricks

I was doing my grocery shopping last night and I noticed some tricks that the Supermarkets and food manufacturers play on you.

Sugar

There is a product called Half-spoon sugar that proudly boasts "half the calories so you can eat twice as much". Well, err, duuhh. If you eat twice the amount of a slimming thing, you are going to get just as FAT as those who don't bother to try. Secondly the price was, how can I say, tipped.

Normal sugar Half-spoon
70p / kg 1.84 /kg

soooooo, eating twice as much means you finish it twice as quickly and you pay £1.14 more for the idea; i.e. you end up paying 4 x 70p because you use 2kg of "half-spoon" in the time you would use a "normal" pack.

Tip - compare prices and don't let marketing men TELL YOU how to eat it!!

Teabags

I saw a giant bag of Asda's own 400 teabags and thought that looks good, but there was a cheap own brand right next to it. Unfortunately for them I quickly worked out it was far more economical to buy the boxes of 80, completely contrary to instict of "big is cheaper". Buyer beware!

Brand Price (p) Quantity cost p/bag normalised (100 bags) Profit margin
Asda own 29 80 0.3625 36p -
Asda bulk 336 400 0.84 84p 48p 33%
PGTips 398 240 1.65 £1.65 £1.29 358%